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Baby, I'm a firecracker.

Hey baby.
Look into my big blue eyes.
Tell me how much you think about me,
How you wish I was yours,
What you would do for me.

Hope you don't get too attached.

Cause, you know, I'm a firecracker.
Interesting, but dangerous.
Captivating, but deadly.
Explosive, and I'll hurt you if you get close.
Pretty like a firecracker too for a while,
But soon I'll be just an ugly shell that's used up.
Sorry honey.

You forget about the firecracker warning when I laugh don't you?
Sometimes I do too, when you call me randomly to tell me how much you miss me.
I feel a brick fall off the top of the wall.
But then all of a sudden, that quick rush of fear is back,
Back in the pit of my stomach like a hard, loathing ball, just stuck there.
And I know it's impossible.
Sorry love.

And I want to just say sorry over and over and over again to you,
But you wouldn't understand,
You wouldn't know what I was talking about,
And I want to explain but when I open my mouth to say it,
I freeze. My lips won't form the words.
I can't. I don't know how.

So instead I sit there and smile, and act witty and pretty for you,
because I know how much you like it.
And when you say, "Hey, I like you,"
I laugh an awkward laugh and change the subject.
Because I can't answer.
You asked me once why I avoid that.
I reply with something silly and again, I change the subject.

In the dark, while I'm laying in my bed, I think about you sometimes.
I begin to wish that maybe it wouldn't be so impossible for me to, you know.......love.
And I start to cry silently then, big, lonely, horrible tears.
And each one reminds me to place a greater distance between us.
"Because," I say to myself,
"Think of how many more tears you would be crying if you did love him.
Think of how much more it would hurt. Don't forget!"
I whisper it over and over again.

I finally fall asleep and dream of myself.
I'm on my tiptoes at the very tiptop of a ladder,
Adding brick after brick to the top of a solid wall.
I look down below and I see another me.
Sitting against the wall, alone and crying.

I wake up from the dream with wet cheeks.

And I know....You can't love me baby, I'm a firecracker.





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