How to Play Extreme Ping Pong

January 13, 2011
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Remember those family get togethers. Stay silent through out the car ride there.

Seek out your favorite cousin, and attempt not to interrupt his video game.

Hug and converse about the blandness of the snack food.

Laugh at your family's attempt to get along.

Ignore the awkwardness of the small talk, and try not to wince when Aunt Jane obnoxiously speaks to you as if you were 12.

Escape to the basement.

Close the door, and briefly discuss the potential threat of the zombie apocalypse.

Specify holes in the stories of major top selling books, like Harry Potter and his Time Turner.

Swiftly grab the orange ping pong ball and two wooden paddles.

Try not to listen to the bickering upstairs.

Hit the ball to the rafter to determine who would go first.

Allow it to bounce off every thinkable structure, and pray it lands on your side of the ping pong net.

Extend your arm and shake hands like your uncles do, be sure to mimic the forged smiles on their faces.

Send the ball flying. Double points if anything ablove the bule bins behind your opponent is hit.

Triple if a body part is hit.

Continue previous steps, with various ninja noises and slow motion relays.

Be sure to argue whose point it is, just like Grandma and Aunt Martha do when something isn't perfectly placed on the table.

Allow arguments to drift to more interesting topics as you continue to bat the ball at each other. Allow ball to ricochet off anything.

Plot world domination. Tell no one.

Continue to battle, until the adults' upstairs call down for help with the dinner plating.

Talley up points according to a hit and miss ratio, proceed upstairs.

Speak politely, sit up straight, and be sure to brag about your sky high grades.

Pretend you are perfect and allow yourself to be swallowed up in the group of manikins.

Calmly say goodnight to everyone, then approach your cousin.

Shake hands as expected, and then hug. Be sure to tell him he's the only person who keeps you sane at these get togethers. He'll be sure to say likewise.

Don't forget to suggest a rematch at Christmas, for the madness of your intolerable family will try to keep you as boring as possible.





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