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the last i saw him

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i was still a young child
still trying to learn about my life
still trying to expirence new expirences
I still remeber him in the back of a police car
not knowing what was going to happen
i was on my knees begging and crying to give my dad one last hug
i knew i was not going to be able to see him ever again
the officer did not let me
i was crying and begging please please please
yet nomatter what i said they still would not let me
i was not able to sleep that niqht
those memrmoire still replay in my head like a movie
every moment ,second, move and word that was made
theirs a play and rewind button
but theirs not a fastforward one
i wanna get away from that memory
i dont want to remeber that day anymore





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MissLynn said...
Jan. 11, 2011 at 10:21 am
This was really intense. When I read it I couldn't help but be  affected. You conveyed the pain you were feeling so well.
 
ellie315This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 11, 2011 at 12:48 am

Very descriptive! :) I gave it 4 stars because I felt that there was some wordiness that just didn't benefit the story being told...it just cluttered the piece. Also, there were a few misspellings that just made it kind of....it made it look/sound like you didn't really care, makes it sloppy; if you take the time to double check and make sure everything is a-okay, your poem will be much more professional.

good job!!!

 
Seelix said...
Jan. 10, 2011 at 10:00 pm
Your writing is very discriptive the reader realy connects with the narrator. Good job!
 
writingrocksThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 10, 2011 at 3:34 pm
This poem made tears come to my eyes! I love how the narrator was on her/his knees. Please read my poem, "Learn," and comment on how it should be fixed!
 
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