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Ghost of My Past

History always repeats itself.
I've learned that throughout the years.

When I fell in love,
I never wanted to let go.
I knew it wouldn't last,
Just like snow in 90 degree weather.
I wanted to hold onto it,
To keep it as long as I possibly could.
Maybe this time I wouldn't be let down.


Instead, the sand seeped through my tightly clentched fists,
And I was set back where I started,
But i was more broken than I had ever been,
or could ever recall being.


The tears never stopped;
The screaming went on.
The torment in my mind haunted me
Day and night,
And month after month.
I just couldn't seem to let go
Of what had let me go.


3 months have passed,
And You're still deep in my memories;
Still deep in my thoughts.
You're in everything I do,
No matter where I go,
I can't get away.
Nothing could distract me,
And nothing held my interest like you could.
Still, I had nothing
But what I remember of you.


You became a ghost,
Haunting my past and present,
And threatened to destroy my future.
You didn't let me sleep,You kept me up every night,
Staring out my window at the dark, cold sky.
It was my only escape from you.


My only release was at 4:30 AM,
Just after I had finished crying.
I would stare at the moon and stars
With my reservoir eyes
And I could finally feel numb enough
To sleep for just a few hours.


Habit turned to routine,
And I follwed my carefully planned out schedual.
School stopped mattering,
My friends didn't know who I was.
My parents thought I was rebellious,
And me?
I stopped caring altogether.
What happened,Happened,
And that was fine with me.


Opening my window at night,
And turning my fan on high,
I refused to cover myself with blankets for warmth.
I shivered,
Feeling the cold breeze from your heart,
flowing through my window.
I just wanted to feel again.
I wanted to go back to who I used to be,
And not this stranger I had become.


Physical wounds heal with time,
But these wounds wouldn't heal easily.
I knew I would always have a scar,
A brand to remind me of what I was;
Who I became.

No one told me that I mattered,
No one said that I was strong enough to get past my fears.
My confidence was draned,
And my perserverance died long ago.

It took me 5 months to stop crying,
And 6 months to put you out of my head.
But I still have my branding that you've left,
And my heart's still heavy as lead.





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