The God I Once Knew

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My wish is for faith.
The ability to believe,
And strength to forgive.
The god I had was an innermost friend.
A familiar companion to guise
My insufferable loneliness.
A friend to unburden me of my quarreling thoughts.
The ones trapped within me.
A solver of problems,
Worker of miracles.
The epiphany that led to my downfall,
The truth that dragged me
Into the reign of hellish inflictions:
I solved my problems.
I was my worker of miracles.
And unbeknownst to self loathing me-
I was my own best friend,
Having named a more pleasant angle of myself, God.
If there really is a personage out there,
Sitting pretty on the clouds.
Running the show
Oblivious to our sufferings.
Cool in feeling,
Cruel and indifferent.
Never taking care to numb the pain.
Empty promises to never have us endure
What was unbearable.
He abandoned that vow long ago.
For I have withstood the unbearable.
As have many who made the mistake
Of setting foot on this treacherous planet.
We bear the unbearable
Because it’s endure or die.
I chose to fight.
Never bowing out quietly.
So now I spit at the name of god.
Cringe bitter and violent at the reading of bible verses.
Yet I envy those with the humility to bow.
With those of steady gaze and reverence.
For they see a different friend then I see.
And he loves them far more dearly then he could ever love me.





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