December 1, 2010
By , Alta Loma, CA
This is a poem to my father Michael
Who has shaped me into who I am today
His choices, his betrayal, his rare but unfailing love
All come together to form this heavy heart

Shock, yet understanding, overwhelms me in heaping waves
Me eyes fill with tears as I listen to my mom explain
You can attempt to rationalize the obvious
Tuck excuses into neat little boxes and put them away
But a choice is a choice, no turning back
He made his and I’ve now made mine

I was only two years old, hadn’t yet learned how to say his name
How could he leave? How could he walk away from us and run headlong into the arms of a substance? Something that isn’t even real?
It didn’t make sense, it doesn’t, and it never will

Angry and depressed I worked through this new knowledge
Feeling like a ghost, a non-entity, I stumbled through two years of high school
Questioning only made it more confusing
And the silence only made it louder

At times I wish my mom had kept quiet
There really is bliss in ignorance, it’s true
But sometimes the truth isn’t easy or just
Sometimes it’s ugly and dark and painful and real

It took a while, but I’m okay now
I had to go to that place to get to this one
I yearned for peace with the past
Contentment with the present
And hope for the future
Now they are mine because…

I forgive you, daddy.
For all that you’ve done
And all you may continue to do
It’s simple really
You’re my father… and I love you.

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