The code you won't crack

November 29, 2010
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Yesterday you asked me how I felt.
“Just sunny with a chance of clouds,
And cloudy because of the wondering Why?
And I’m possibly a smidgen in love with you.”
I always wondered what it was like to say
those words, and now that they’re out

I sort of wish I had been less curious. Out
Of my lungs, now out in the open I feel
Baited, waiting to hear what you’ll say.
But instead of replying, you vanish in a cloud
Of cigarette smoke, which is what you
Always do. The smoke stayed to ask me “Why?”

“How do you know, and what is the sign, and why?!”
I must have missed the formula for that one, because I’m out
Of ideas. Algebra class won’t tell me why I love you
Or why Harry loves Sally or PB loves J. I want to feel
Rather than know the answer, and let it cloud
my never ending, relentless logic. I said

to the smoke, “He was the first to see past my, say,
obscurity. Without asking he understood why
I read, to chase the mundane, everyday clouds
Away. My phone tells me he is the last six of my out-
Going calls; the last eight incoming too. His hair feels
Like one of those perfect, fuzzy hotel blankets. You

Might not think that’s a reason to love someone, but you
Would be wrong,” I told the empty room. I hope what I said
To that room is true. I hope love is allowed to be like the feelers
Of an insect, tendrils touching and never wondering why,
Never judging, just grazing and accepting, reaching out
To find love in strange places. This I told to the cloud

Who related the message all the way to you, who instructed the cloud
To tell me that you are decidedly not in love with me. You
Are, in fact, the opposite of in love, which happens to be out
Of love. I wasn’t aware that was a real emotion until you said
It, so thanks for that fun fact! Which is actually not very fun at all and makes me wonder why
You would hold my hand and move my hair from my eyes and cause me to feel

As high as a tree would reach to the clouds. What I said
In answer to your question satisfies the “Why”
But leaves you standing on the outside looking in, wishing to feel what I felt.

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