October 22, 2010
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Well clearly I’m not good enough
To catch your attention
And, mamma, I want it.
I want it, it’s all I want,
All I need to make me better.
And I know the noise I make
When I bash my head into walls,
I know it annoys you, and I’m sorry,
But I can’t help it.
And I’m very aware of how it irks you
When you make dinner at night,
And I can’t eat it
Without throwing it back up.
And really, I am sorry.
And I do realize,
How frustrating it is,
To find bloodstains on the carpet,
And I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.
But for all my apologies,
I’m still a disappointment,
Still disgusting to you,
I’m still not quite human enough
For you to want me around,
And the more I do, the more I steal,
And lie, and hurt, and cry,
And contaminate your house with my presence,
The more I think of you,
And the deeper I dig my hole,
The further I damage my relationship with you.
And I hate that I’m causing the opposite of what I want to happen.
And I know, I do know,
How bad it makes you look,
To have such a messed up daughter,
And I see how you hate that,
I see how it makes you not like me,
Although I’m not sure you ever did,
And I understand
Why you shut me in my room,
Why you can’t stand the sight of me.
I understand that,
That’s why I never fight it.
Why I never act against you, only myself.
In all of my badness, I’m trying to be good,
I’m trying, I know you don’t believe me but I am,
I’m trying!
But clearly that’s not enough,
Clearly good intentions,
Will never be enough.
And if it’s the best I can do,
Because no matter how hard I try,
Good intentions are all I seem to have,
Then maybe I ought to go away,
To get out of your way,
To make things easier for you.
Because clearly
I’m only a burden, the child
You never wanted to have,
The kid you can’t deal with,
And the reason you hate coming home from work.
So, if, somewhere in the back of your mind,
You realize I really hate myself for being this way,
For causing you so much trouble,
And you realize you love your daughter,
Let me know please.
And soon.
I can’t handle myself any more than you can.
And at this point, I don’t care what happens to me.

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blondie7 said...
Dec. 8, 2010 at 8:37 am
wow this really is deppresing, i love this poem, and i know how it feels to not have a mom who cares the world for you, and believe me your stong and smart amazing, and you should never cut your self short for what others cant see... never give your self up because others cant stand you..... the only true person there is, is the person who is looking you back in the mirrior. remeber the only one who can hurt you, is you.
Astraeus1932 replied...
Feb. 23, 2011 at 8:22 am
you're amazingly sweet <3
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