Is it just me or is the boy I dream about you. Maybe I’m dreaming about a boy with your face but just not your soul. I love that boy. And I know I claim to not believe in love, infatuation enlarged by the media, but I have come to a change of mind. I know I am logical, nihilistic though I have come upon deciding that love is spiritual. I don’t believe in god. I don’t know why I believe in love. Maybe it’s because I feel it. If I didn’t feel it I wouldn’t believe it. I feel something that I know is more than chemicals. I feel something that is so powerful it hurts. My former being would have responded to this by claiming the chemicals are making you think this, but no. It’s something about him. Not him, as in what you would expect, but something no one can see or feel but us. There’s something there. Its impossible to miss. Its scary, it’s hard to make work, but once we make it work it will all be worth it. I know deep inside you know. I once heard that love is a very hard thing to find. I ignored it claiming their ignorance and fear. Fear of life without love. Though, maybe why life without love is feared so much is because life has to have love, if not it wouldn’t be life. Maybe I’m a sucker for these blogs, maybe I’m a sucker to game he is playing, but It cant be true. He has nothing I desire, I desire this thing I can’t see. I desire him not to hold me but to want me. Its strange and messed up and confuses me. And sometimes I wish to disappear into nothingness. Sometimes I just want to hide from the world because they don’t understand. No one comprehends my emotions, I thought he did, but I was wrong. Each and every day goes by and he doesn’t call. Maybe its because he felt it and tried to tell me but I messed up. I went with another guy and dated his best friend. Maybe that sounds like I’m a slut, but the word slut is nothing but a label. I did it because I was scared of you and me and I figured if I messed it up then I never have to deal with this confusion again. But then you got revenge on me. And now here I sit, staring at your AIM, staring at your number, wanting you to call. If love exists we have it, I swear. Give me another chance.
November 17, 2010