Drowning Lifes

November 7, 2010
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Life's not a sitcom.
There's no happy endings.
You won't get the girl.
The life you dreamnt will never come true.
It's so nicely painted, like a canvas preserving the smiling faces.
It's without a conscience.

The little voice in my head,
Deteriorates my thinking.
A deconstructive mind,
Slowly, painfully, slipping away from the truth.
What was true, what wasn't?
The "what ifs" turn an already fragile kid into a depression.

Don't tell me I'm going through a phrase,
Or "all teenagers go through this."
Bulls--t.

I'm no one in my school,
A ghost.
No ones going to remember the kid who wasn't popular,
Or talked for that matter.

She will never notice me,
No matter how close I've been to her.
I say to myself that It'll be better,
It won't.
Why can't I get over this?
I try to stay mad,
But her smile makes me forget.
It saddens me,
Seeing how much he can make her laugh.
Her's seems almost fake when I try to maker her "laugh".
I wished she tried to know me better.
I know who you are, I get it, it's okay.
At least notice me for once, accept my existence,
Before whatever existence you saw in me slowly slips away.

To all of my friends,
You are my drug,
You distract me,
From my thinking,
My deteriorating mind.
My smile and jokes hide my pain.
I won't know you guys for much longer,
College is going to separate us.
I wish it won't come down to this,
But we have all accepted this deep down,
So please visit me.

A phone call from my aunt,
Mom breaks down in her aunt.
I have never seen her cry so hard.
She told me, "No mother should have to go through this,
Even if he did come out of it he would never be the same,
She told me that he was your uncle's best friend.
He was a great brother to his brother and sister."
My cousin's dead.
I saw a picture of him today,
It was of him hugging his younger brother,
I broke down in my bed, tears rolling down my face.
He left so many people too soon.
This is a "f--k you," to me,
From the one and only god.
Just see if I believe in his existence now,
He took away someone in my family.
He was a brother, a nephew, a cousin, a son.

I never really felt close to my family.
There're there but not physically.
family celebrations are the ones I hate the most.
Everyone's having a good time, except me.
Why can't I be happy at these things,
It's family.

A twins birthday.
An emotional gift.
A friend complication.
I lost one.
A limo ride to The Cheesecake factory.
Entering and exiting, I felt confident,
Something I haven't felt in so long.

My grandfather fell ill to a disease, Parkinson's.
I spent my whole life growing up in front of him.
We did everything.
He taught me how to ride a bike.
He got me out of trouble at every turn.
Pictures bring tears to my eyes.
Things will never be the same.
I want my old grandfather back,
I don't want to see him suffer,
Not like this.
It brings back memories, of how fun life used to be,
Just the two of us.
I failed him, I gave up.
I tell myself It's just because I'm growing up,
But it's not.
I wish it was,
It would soften the blow,
from my deteriorating mind going off at any second.

You yell at me everyday.
I'm not perfect, just like you.
Senior year is important, yes,
But I can't remember everything you say,
It's just impossible.
I spent my entire life trying to impress people,
You can't just give me a break?

I'm trying to look like none of this is happening,
But it is.
Trying not to look like an idiot in front of people.
I never wanted this life, or what my life has come too,
But it happened.
I need to be someone different.

This is how I feel...





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