Trapped in Self

November 10, 2010
By stubborn411 GOLD, Jamiaca, New York
stubborn411 GOLD, Jamiaca, New York
13 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is impossible, just highly improbable


Tired
my hands
my head
my eyes
my arms
my legs

they are all tired
I am so tired

I feel heavy
My thoughts weigh down my head
My baggage weigh down my legs
My scars weigh down my back
Dragging me

I am trapped or lost
in myself
Trapped in my lies
Lost in my thoughts
Trapped in my smiles
Lost in my expectations

I am trapped and suffocating
in me
I yearn for freedom
I try to fight
a way out of me
I've tried for so long
fought for so long
I'm tired
I wish I could stop
but only I can beat my self


The author's comments:
To let the people feeling lost in themselves that they are not alone

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This article has 1 comment.


on Jan. 4 2011 at 12:29 am
OriginalCarbonation GOLD, Naperville, Illinois
11 articles 0 photos 106 comments

Favorite Quote:
dream as if you'll live forever
live as if you'll die tomorrow

this is very good. especially the premise, i have written some things on the same idea as well. to improve it i suggest making it flow better, less nouns, more actions and a little punctuation then to clarify. for example the last stanza could become:

I am trapped and suffocating

in me

yearning for freedom;

trying to fight

a way out of me.

been trying for so long

fought for so long

I'm wishing I could stop

but only I can beat myself

this was a little extreme, you could just try changing a line or two in each stanza or such. i did notice alot of it was stalysitc and to create a tone and feeling ect, which was great, but then at other parts you have to break out of that to prove that it was purposeful and show what a great writer you are, and to lend more emphasis to the stark quality you put inthe beginning to tell a story. a difficult but important distinction.

however, it is a very good peice, on an important and large topic. write some mroe about this, i have found it to be a strong basis for many very different poems.

 



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