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Initiating the Change
I stare out the icy window at the lonely street,
Trying to make sense of my life,
Of all those tears wasted
On the day you walked away.
It was the result of
Your hair was flowing,
Long and brown behind you,
Leaving me with nothing but memories,
Trapping me in my delusions
Of what I could have changed.
When one goes too far with what they say,
Passivity is not the solution,
As I learned that cold New Year’s Day.
Maybe if I had told you
How important you were to me
When the sun was shining over
The browning grass and the falling leaves,
The wind blowing over the uncut grass,
The two of us tickled by the greenery,
Things would have ended differently.
Maybe you would be standing with me,
Waiting in a twenty minute line for
Movie tickets that weren’t worth it,
Screaming at the top of a tall wooden
Roller coaster with caged seats that felt
Like it would give way underneath us all,
Running in the crowded mall looking
For the best outfit in ten minutes
Because tomorrow was picture day,
And you claimed you had no clothes.
But my own insecurities stopped me.
And now it’s too late.
It’s time to change—
Time to reflect on all I’ve done—
To remember all I’ve said,
Trying not to remember pain caused by
Saying hurtful things—“Get out of my life.”
Time to return to childhood—
To escape the fear of being judged,
Playing with the tricycles in the toy aisle,
Laughing with ice cream cones and dirty, smiling faces.
Time to get away from restrictions—
To cut the vines holding me hostage,
Running where no shadows dare to follow,
Losing the chains, ropes, and ties that bind me.
Time to wipe away past tears—
To live in Japan where I’m anonymous,
Reopening lost possibilities from lost aspirations,
Finding shards of myself in the cracks of my being.
Time to make others forget me—
To start over from my youth with a blank slate,
Keeping only the knowledge of life experiences,
Using the ability to interact, learn, and smile to transform myself.
Time to stop pretending I’m something I’m not—
To halt making faces at my imperfections in the mirror,
Ending my tendency to blame myself for what I can’t control,
Taking initiative to become something I’m not and evolve.
Time for me to move on—
To create a stunning butterfly of a foul caterpillar
Improving myself socially and academically
Becoming a movie star, scientist, or flight attendant—
Something that I want to be.
This is my time
To learn, discern, and improve
To create something new.