What was I thinking when I thought I could share my thoughts.
Would you have liked things better the way they were?
Lies.
Cant tell you the truth.
Cant tell him the truth.
Cant bear to absorb the truth
So I made my lies reality
and I made my truth fictitious.
I used my words
and your trust
and his affection
and created the perfect picture.
But it was something less than probable
and so much more than real.
I had you as my right hand
and he at my left - my driving force
You smiled and kissed my forehead
promised it was fine
You told me you would never leave
but it seems that you were lying.
I swallowed sweet phrases
chased by bitter under tones.
I accepted the lies that you fed me
not because I was stupid
but because it kept homeostasis
I knew the truth
I could see it
Read your eyes like block letters
Your furrowed brow spoke volumes
The look you gave me tore me inside out
tossed me upside down
made my hart skip beats
pulled me to places I'd never thought I'd reach
made me reassess my feelings
under estimate my decision making abilities
then I tried not to care
stone cold
ice hard
mimic a statue
and freeze my face back at some picturesque place in my mind
But I couldnt
Because you have one hand around my waist
And the other tangled in my kinks
And another pressed against my spine
One more brushing tears from my cheek
Then that last one that rests on my heart intruding relentlessly
Refusing to grab on
Or let go
Or walk away
Or promise to stay
And the worst thing is that I can’t make decisions either
Because I don’t know what to do at this point
Do I make them go away?
Do I choose just the ones I like the most
Do I let them all stay
Move them closer and I am clingy
Brush them away and I am rejecting my true feelings
Leave them there and I am an indecisive tease
It’s amazing that even when they try to give me what I want
Just thinking about the people that I care about the most makes me weak
So I let the weight of the world bring me to my knees
And I stayed there
And I prayed there
Hands clasped so tight I pushed the blood from them
Jaw clenched so I could barely breathe
Eyes closed so hard that I could swear I saw Jesus
Then I thought I was really going crazy because I heard him laugh
Still and sweet
Then again simple and rough
His exhale bushed my cheek and I was stunned
Then in my ear
As if I secret just for me
He asked if I was enjoying my gift