Sleep

August 21, 2010
By ForeverFelix PLATINUM, Catasauqua, Pennsylvania
ForeverFelix PLATINUM, Catasauqua, Pennsylvania
30 articles 2 photos 207 comments

Favorite Quote:
Daydreams can be worse than nightmares, but that never stops me.


I need energy,
That fuel,
Slipping through my fingers,
Like sand,
To a beach of anger,
Created by stones and boulders,
By pain and fear,
By the thought that,
I’m losing her,
I know I have my claim,
She’s my best friend,
She’s basically my sister,
Stop being a moron,
Stop overreacting,
This isn’t a big deal,
But it is,
And it’s not just her,
Everything is changing,
My closest friends,
Aren’t friends,
How can that drop away,
Like sand through my fingers?
Cannibalistic sand,
Fueling my beach of anger,
What happened to the fairytale?
To my beauty by day,
My beast by night,
My partner every minute,
Summer changes everything,
Why is it beloved?
Probably the freedom,
The fun,
The vacations,
Why don’t people go,
Visit the beach of anger?
The shells of the lonely,
The ocean of happiness,
Never pulling sand and shells away,
I would,
But I’m too tired,
I guess it’s good,
I’m already there,
I’m tired, so tired,
Tired of this,
Off not understanding,
Of irrational pain and fear,
Of feeling alone,
Of me against the world,
Of my house,
These walls,
Summer.
I’m tired of overreacting,
But I can’t help it,
She’s my best friend,
What else can I do?
I just wish,
I had my fairytale,
I wish I could,
Close my eyes,
Sleep.



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This article has 10 comments.


on Nov. 25 2010 at 12:42 pm
ForeverFelix PLATINUM, Catasauqua, Pennsylvania
30 articles 2 photos 207 comments

Favorite Quote:
Daydreams can be worse than nightmares, but that never stops me.

Haha xD thanks nacho

on Nov. 25 2010 at 12:29 am
iluvnacho PLATINUM, Somewhere, Colorado
28 articles 1 photo 67 comments

Favorite Quote:
\"Find the beauty in the ugly\"-Jason Mraz 5-19-10
\"Be kinder than nessicary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.\" Unknown 11-29-10

I liked it :) The good was that you used really good metaphors such as "beach of anger" and you had beautiful language "The shells of lonely, the ocean of happiness" Keep up the good work. I usually don't read long poems, so great job. :D

on Oct. 2 2010 at 4:05 pm
ForeverFelix PLATINUM, Catasauqua, Pennsylvania
30 articles 2 photos 207 comments

Favorite Quote:
Daydreams can be worse than nightmares, but that never stops me.

Thanks =) but I'm not sure what you mean about replacing the normal words...like, which normal words are you talking about?

Fayrouz SILVER said...
on Oct. 2 2010 at 4:03 pm
Fayrouz SILVER, Fargo, North Dakota
9 articles 12 photos 364 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Only dead fish swim with the stream"

True, true, true! I love how everyone can relate to it. However, I think you can make it better by editing it and replacing the normal words with words that will make your friendship seem more magical. It's already shining with friendship's joy but revising it will make it shimmer! Good job, tho! And keep writing cause that's the only way to get better!

on Sep. 22 2010 at 6:09 am
ForeverFelix PLATINUM, Catasauqua, Pennsylvania
30 articles 2 photos 207 comments

Favorite Quote:
Daydreams can be worse than nightmares, but that never stops me.

"She's right...." it's a girl xD well, it's me.

Anywho, danke schoen AsIAm!


AsIAm PLATINUM said...
on Sep. 21 2010 at 9:39 pm
AsIAm PLATINUM, Somewhere, North Carolina
48 articles 3 photos 608 comments

Favorite Quote:
"According to some, heroic deaths are admirable things. (Generally those who don't have to do it. Politicians and writers spring to mind.) I've never been convinced by this argument, mainly because, no matter how cool, stylish, composed, unflappable, manly, or defiant you are, at the end of the day you're also dead. Which is a little too permanent for my liking." — Jonathan Stroud (Ptolemy's Gate)

The Good:  I loved it!  The imagery was awesome, and I could totally feel for the main character.  

The Bad: NA :)

The Random: He's right - summer does change everything.  Funny how that works...


on Sep. 18 2010 at 9:02 pm
ForeverFelix PLATINUM, Catasauqua, Pennsylvania
30 articles 2 photos 207 comments

Favorite Quote:
Daydreams can be worse than nightmares, but that never stops me.

Thanks =) I really appreciate you commenting on basically all my work, by the way!

on Sep. 18 2010 at 8:27 pm
Just.A.Dream SILVER, Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
7 articles 0 photos 431 comments

Favorite Quote:
Part of the J7X team. :)

I like how much it came from the heart! You told it straight out, but also managed to fit some metaphors in there. :)

on Sep. 13 2010 at 8:17 pm
ForeverFelix PLATINUM, Catasauqua, Pennsylvania
30 articles 2 photos 207 comments

Favorite Quote:
Daydreams can be worse than nightmares, but that never stops me.

Haha, I just kinda wrote it, typed it, submitted it...didn't notice the commas and I didn't add the stanzas xP As for the cannibalistic sand thing...I just kinda figured that cannibals can be kinda violent and angry, and sand fills a beach, so I put them together...plus, cannibalistic sand is what I think of when I think of my friends (don't ask). I just let this flow...like most things I write...and kept it how I wrote it =)

 

Thanks for the advice!


on Sep. 13 2010 at 8:09 pm
apocalyptigirl BRONZE, Staunton, Virginia
4 articles 2 photos 285 comments

Favorite Quote:
"DON'T PANIC." ~from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

I really liked the "beach of anger" metaphor and how you described the way it looked. The only weird thing about that was the "cannibalistic sand" thing...how does sand (even if it eats other sand or humans) fuel a beach of anger? Also, it really bothered me that there were commas at the end of every line. Towards the end of the poem I was so distracted by the punctuation overload that I was barely reading the poem anymore. A line break is like a tacit comma or small pause anyway. I wouldn't say take ALL of them out; I'm sure there are places where it makes grammatical and artistic sense to use a comma. But the excessive comma usage is just, like, GAH WHY? Lol. Finally, I love the ideas in your poem and the different issues it explores, but I think it would be more effective if you had stanza breaks at appropriate idea shifts. That's just me; take it or leave it.


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