i laugh and joke

August 6, 2010
I laugh and joke
Pretending that nothing you say bothers me
I act like I am on top of the world
Because what are my other options?

But deep down I want to cry
And break into a million pieces
And give into this monster that lives deep within me

My eyes fill with tears
As I quickly blink them back so no one can see
I surround myself with friends
To ignore the feeling and fear that I am alone
That I have no one

All I can do is wait for night to come
So that I can finally give into this knot in my throat
And let my pain leak out one tear at a time
Because right now
That’s the best that I can do

All I can do is smile this smile
And laugh this stupid laugh
That only I know is fake
Because while the world is busy just getting by
I am fighting for my life

Fighting with my monster
The only thing I seem to be doing anymore
And getting by
But just barely

I don’t want to do this anymore

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