the worst part

August 6, 2010
The worst part is the pain
The way I can’t escape it and I feel it crushing in around me
The times when I cry until my whole body aches
And not having anyone understand it quite like I do

The worst part is the smile
That I wear to the world to cover up the fact that I’m broken
That I use as my secret weapon so that people don’t wonder
And judge me when I hurt like this

The worst part is you
The love that you have for me despite how many times I’ve yelled at you
The times I tried to hurt you, so that I didn’t feel so lonely in my pain
And the way you were still there for me when I needed you the most

The worst part is the grey
The way I can’t escape from it and how it sucks all hope from my heart
The way it envelops me and brings me down so low I don’t know where to turn
And how I never know how to get out

The worst part is the monster
The way he attacks me and unleashes parts of me I never knew before
The sweet whispers he puts in my ears making me crumble into nothingness
And he tells me to just stay down

The worst part is the love
Coming from so many directions telling me it will be o.kay
Coming from the people I have cheering me on
And knowing I’m not worthy of any of it

The worst part was the first cut
Knowing that I shouldn’t have done it, and seeing for the first time just how low I got
Knowing that if I would have just stood up against the temptation I wouldn’t be writing this right now
And the memory of the shame that has become my new best friend

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