The Window to the Right

July 31, 2010
By sweetly_broken GOLD, Garner, North Carolina
sweetly_broken GOLD, Garner, North Carolina
15 articles 0 photos 158 comments

Favorite Quote:
We never know how big we are until we are asked to rise.


Maybe I should have held you a little closer
that callous winter’s night.
When sun poured in and out the window to my right.
Earth was laden with whirls of placid snow.
Luminescent stars poured through the infinite black sky.
I breathed in that smell.
But it wasn’t smokiness in the air.
It was the aroma
of hope.
The essence of someone who cared.
Past tense?

The glass shatters
and people pull down the shade
but I look at you and try to see the person
that loves
everyone.
Present tense.
You’re in there somewhere
In shards of glass to my right.

Beads of rain pour down the window
as tears down our cheeks.
But the real you isn’t afraid
to take trepidation’s fingers when they grab you
and grab them back with your faith.
You’ll tell the storm about the resonant hope
dwelling deep down
in a bittersweet awakening.
Future tense.

The awakening will come
as soft as whispers of the heart.
But it’s strong enough
To calm the industrious winds.
The Whisper
Will tell the rumbles of thunder to stop bellowing through your soul.
Peace will be instilled
like a dove
Penetrating desolate clouds.
I’m praying.
Hoping.
Waiting.
Helping.

He’ll drive until the road is lost
I’ll sit in the passenger’s seat.
Once I needed your compassion
But now mine is part of your ransom.
It’s funny
how things change like that.
In a split second
Like a bolt of bellicose lightning
Streaking through a stormy sky
Destroying lives.
Repairing Lives.
It’s up to you to decide which.

You’ll come running home
And I’ll forgive you
Like no wrong had ever been done.
And there is a man in white somewhere
That I think is watching both of us
And soon He’ll call you home with His open arms.
But until the glass is repaired
By love
And the shutter lifted
By courage
I’ll wonder
If maybe I should have held you a little closer
That callous winter’s night.
Because it was the last time I saw light pouring out
The window to the right.



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This article has 40 comments.


on Jul. 13 2011 at 11:06 am
JustAnotherOwl SILVER, Unknown, New York
6 articles 0 photos 379 comments

Favorite Quote:
"See, we don't really care who you are;
Everyone is capable of looking up and wishing on a star.
So catch it, so contagious, this day-dreamer's disease,
And hope can be your sword, slaying darkness with belief."

"Sanctuary"- Paradise Fears

Truly awe-inspiring! (: I love the wording, the intelligent way you've said things. I love the change of the tenses. This was very creative and you are very talented! I honestly don't have any complaints about this one!

on Mar. 13 2011 at 3:08 pm
Beachgirl1 PLATINUM, Bellevue, Washington
32 articles 4 photos 178 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If You Don't Fight Back, You've Already Lost."
"Don't suppress Laughter, it goes to your thighs."

This is beautiful, I love it!

on Feb. 4 2011 at 10:03 pm
CharlesDickens SILVER, Georgetown, Texas
8 articles 0 photos 82 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."
~Voltaire

gracegirl!  You're right!  You couldn't have posted it on my thread, but I thank you heartily for giving me the chance for viewing this poem!  I really enjoyed it!  It's melancholy, without talking about gory and gruesome!  thank you!  and you use good grammar!  hallelujah!  a teen who knows grammar☺!  I rated this five stars, and it's in my favorites!

on Jan. 11 2011 at 4:15 pm
theheartoflizz PLATINUM, Aurora, Colorado
21 articles 31 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I think the only reason people hold on to memories so tightly is because memories are the only things that don't change, when everything and everyone else does."

This is a lovely poem. It has a sort a beautiful darkness to it, very mysterious. I loved the way you describe things in different tenses ( i believe that is what you were doing) it's a really unique angle for a poem. Your rhyming was wonderful, almost as if you weren't doing it on purpose, it just flows really well. Very good job. :)

on Dec. 30 2010 at 6:11 am
Hazel-daisy GOLD, --, Other
19 articles 0 photos 324 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else - Erna Bombeck

In three words i can sum up everything I've learned in life: it goes on -Robert Frost

Live, Love, Laugh - ______

Hope, Love, breathe <3 - Me

Wow amazing!!! i love the way the rhyme is subtle and only present sometimes. i also loved the way it said past tense? Present tense etc. this is a really beautiful piece of poetry...well done!!! i hope my feedback was helpful!! excellent work!!

on Dec. 20 2010 at 7:30 am
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

Alright. I'm here returning the read, *honest* feedback.  I chose this one instead of the essay because essays are rather hard to critique--you can't critique the content, only the writing.  Poems are also difficult to critique, but I'll do my best.

 

This one is more difficult to critique than most because it was....beautiful, for lack of a better word.  The flow was right on, and there weren't any especially rough spots where I wondered where the rhythm had gone, as in some poems.  I couldn't quite put a finger on the rhyming pattern, but it worked.

 

The vocabulary is very sophisticated, but despite the fact that I, personally, liked it, some readers may not--not because they don't appreciate your word use, but because they don't understand what you're saying.

 

Another thing--the fact paced rhythm of the poem combined with the longer, more poetic words will lose some readers.  Not to brag, but I usually have a fairly high comprehension level, and I had to read this several times to really understand what was being spoken about.  Even that is up to interpretation. I'm not saying you should change that, just warning you.

 

Overall: This wasn't my most helpful review, but there really wasn't a whole lot to critique.  I hope this gets put in the magazine, because it's quite good.


whammy BRONZE said...
on Dec. 17 2010 at 8:11 pm
whammy BRONZE, Place, Illinois
3 articles 0 photos 11 comments
Great work! I love how you combined so many emotions while still keeping a nice flow through out. 

on Dec. 11 2010 at 12:54 am
shayna101 SILVER, Carlsbad, California
5 articles 0 photos 35 comments
absolutly amazing :D you are very talented... also great vocabulary this sounded very professional and impressive. I really liked the different tenses too. Your writing style is very unique and creative.. good work

DevinQuin GOLD said...
on Dec. 10 2010 at 10:08 pm
DevinQuin GOLD, Norwalk, Iowa
12 articles 8 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If it would be revealed or demonstrated that there is no future state (heaven), my advice to every man, woman, and child would be, as our existence would be in our own power, to take opium." - John Adams

I found it!! And wow it was really great! I especially like your allusions!

on Dec. 8 2010 at 9:42 pm
JenMikalaEngel SILVER, FOster City, California
5 articles 0 photos 21 comments
I really enjoy this poem! The word choice is very nice, and the past/present/future tense is creative. The only real criticism I have is that the meter and beat is off at times, but most of the time it was spot-on. Good work.

on Dec. 6 2010 at 7:05 pm
Donttrust BRONZE, Fort Collins, Colorado
1 article 2 photos 44 comments
I can relate and I like how you did it in different tenses it was great :)

on Dec. 4 2010 at 6:55 am
sweetly_broken GOLD, Garner, North Carolina
15 articles 0 photos 158 comments

Favorite Quote:
We never know how big we are until we are asked to rise.

thank you!

on Dec. 3 2010 at 10:46 pm
ElijahN PLATINUM, Livonia, Michigan
31 articles 0 photos 150 comments

Favorite Quote:
"only after you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything."-Tyler Durdan -Fight Club-

Whoa, this is much better than I clicked on it expecting. So much attention to detail...IN A POEM, that's amazing, really.

on Dec. 3 2010 at 8:44 pm
sweetly_broken GOLD, Garner, North Carolina
15 articles 0 photos 158 comments

Favorite Quote:
We never know how big we are until we are asked to rise.

that's creepy . . . that's exactly what this poem is to me and exactly how it makes me feel. let's agree to pray 4 each other's friends. G.od bless:)

~Kirby


on Dec. 3 2010 at 8:40 pm
maybesomeday2 GOLD, Atlanta, Georgia
19 articles 2 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"if we begin to discover a feeling within ourselves that nothin in this world can satisfy we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world" -C.S Lewis

wow wow wow!!!! absolutely looooove this. i can relate so much, i once had someone in my church who i rly looked up to and she was everything to me. something happened and she's not the same. we dont talk anymore..and ive always wnodered what could have happened if maybe id have been there more. this poem is so beautiful it makes me want to cry..which is PERFECT!!!!

on Nov. 27 2010 at 9:02 pm
Phoenix97 PLATINUM, Minneapolis, Minnesota
29 articles 4 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
See lyrics to "Let the Waters Rise" by MIKESCHAIR and "Everything" by Lifehouse

Wow. Knowing why you wrote this makes it so much more beautiful. I sincerely hope that it gets published and that your friend comes back to her faith. 

on Nov. 27 2010 at 8:50 pm
sweetly_broken GOLD, Garner, North Carolina
15 articles 0 photos 158 comments

Favorite Quote:
We never know how big we are until we are asked to rise.

Well, it's kind of a long story. I had this friend, and i used to look up to her a lot. then, i remember talking to her one night, everything was fine, but as she walked off i somehow knew that she wouldn't be the same for a while. and i was right. to this day, i hate whatever it was that took her away. i prayed really hard and showed her as much compassion as humanly possible. i knew the person i admired was somewhere underneath a pile of brokenness and shame. i knew the light was there through the storm that had broken the window to pieces. (She's the window, in case you hadn't picked up on that) but i wasn't sure if she was ready to change/ come back to the faith she had. change hurts, we can all agree on that. but go.d never lets go of us. he drives until the end of eternity ,and i think if you love someone, you'll back him up on that. Once i needed her to be nice to me/reach out to me, but now i feel like i have to be there for her. Once she experiences go.d's amazing love in her life again, she'll be repaired. and when she's ready, she'll let the light shine through again. i wrote a memior about it, but i'm not sure if i should post it.thanks for the comment, by the way!

on Nov. 27 2010 at 8:36 pm
Phoenix97 PLATINUM, Minneapolis, Minnesota
29 articles 4 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
See lyrics to "Let the Waters Rise" by MIKESCHAIR and "Everything" by Lifehouse

This is beautiful! I love it, but I feel like there's a deeper meaning that I don't understand yet. What is the meaning of the window to the right?

on Nov. 20 2010 at 11:57 am
thestorycritic GOLD, Hyderabad, Other
12 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live life King Size

Also I loved how you bought back the first lines of the poem in the end. :)

GaelicC said...
on Nov. 19 2010 at 2:08 pm
GaelicC, Longford, Other
0 articles 0 photos 91 comments

Favorite Quote:
No -Rosa Parks

That was a brilliant poem, you should definetely write more poems- i think your very talented, like what many of the other commenters thought:)


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