Despair

July 26, 2010
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I am filled with despair
An emotion that doesn’t seem to have ever
Stilled your quick dancing feet
Touched the corners of the smallest,
Most charming of smiles
Though I know it has blown through this place before,
Then to land near you, near her
Now it has picked me as its host
It has come for a reason that may not seem so bad
Until the whole map has been lain down
A map which includes another of your kind
A boy of meaningful words, who fills me with joy
He claims my attention, but he
Was not the first to obtain my affection
It was a man of less joy who first interested me
Who didn’t seem worthy of interest
Until the curtain was thrown back and his true self revealed
I loved his jester heart, his laughter, and his care
But I feared our differences would cut our bindings
This fear stopped me once more at your gate
The idea that you, with many years on my few
As well more to loose than I have ever had
Could not possibly see me as anything
Except more of the same
A friend, surely, but never granted a thought
As to what more I could be
Especially with your heart in pieces,
Jabbing reminders in your flesh
Of what happens when this place
Is your chosen setting for romance
So, though I couldn’t miss your hardly subtle flirtation
And I couldn’t avoid the watching eyes
And nagging whispers, pushing us to conjoin
I could make that those ties our last
And turn my face away
To the boy, the funny, silent one who sat with me
While the world, including you, moved swiftly by
Without interference, only a longing glance
From you, that escaped my notice
Eventually I became aware of the truth of your feelings
But now, I fear, it is too late to go back
And now, I only fleetingly want to go back at all
But I am still filled with despair
Knowing what might someday have been
If you had been alone in your challenge of capturing me
If I had not turned away so quickly
And this emotion plagues me also
In knowing that because of me,
Despair will once again climb to your doorstep
And knock until you reach out and let it in.





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