I stand in front of you all
I want nothing more than to understand
Understand, or fall
Without sense of time, I wait
I climb.
My mind is racing.
I don’t know what to think.
I can’t decide for myself.
I let the questions repeat themselves,
No answers in sight.
Nothing is true.
What is right?
No answers.
God is not dead,
But God is not here.
God is no help.
This pain is deep.
This pain is misery,
Agony.
Utter aloneness.
Without help, I fall.
My fingers slip.
I reach heavenward,
A scream clawing its way out of my lungs.
Helpless.
When I land, all is silent.
I must dig myself out.
I must crawl once more to the edge,
Body battered.
Sobbing for relief.
Mind empty.
No thought.
The world is dark.
Its evil and secrets are slipping inside me.
Its darkness is filling me.
Thick as the smoke filling my lungs,
Heavy as the weight on my shoulders.
The responsibility placed on me.
The cross I can’t bear.
The pain I cause others.
The grave I dig for myself.
I stand up again,
Weak, alone.
Staring at you as you stare back at me.
Sad.
Lashes across your back.
Blood dripping off your fingers.
All your wounds,
Mixed with mine.
Unholy.
Black.
Rotting.
My mouth is dry.
I only whisper.
You died.
You thought it would save everyone.
But you forgot me.
I was the one that slipped through your fingers,
My soul clicking out of place.
Click.
Click.
Falling apart into a black nothingness
And escaping your grip.
Ha.
I’m giving up.
Just to show you up.
I won’t succeed
And I’ll hate you for it.
But you gave me
Nothing.
What you said you did not interpret.
What you gave you did not specify.
And what you made now turns on you.
Too simple,
Yet too complex.
The world is a bigger picture.
A thousand words claw their way up my throat.
Words you gave, that you now must hear.
What’s wrong is never right.
What’s right is never wrong.
We wait, standing at the edge of the precipice.
Side by side.
I watch.
Trying to take it all in.
As tongues of fire lick their way up the side of the cliff,
Reaching for me.
Come.
Come.
To the depths,
Where you belong.
Leave it here.
Listen to us.
We understand you.
Come.
Come down.
Let go.
There is no hope left at the top.
Lies.
I close my eyes.
You only watch me.
I step away from you,
Away from your pain and your hope.
So that your sacrifice meant nothing.
You must be sad,
But I no longer feel you.
You fade.
I turn my back to you.
I step off the edge.
Last words:
“Jesus Christ.”
Mark me up.
How many sins today?
I lost track.
Maybe you did, too.
Or you will,
And someday, today will fade out of time.
Never to be remembered.
I can see nothing now,
And at the same time,
Everything.
Through the haze of smoke,
Past the thickness, the heat of my body,
Nothing is clear.
Eyes half shut.
Blood rushing.
The images flash across my sight.
I see it all.
But I can do nothing.
All I can do is watch your pain and your suffering.
You cry beside me and your sobs are ripping me apart.
Click.
Click.
There goes my soul.
I could comfort you, tell you everything,
But instead I turn away from you.
Everything is fine.
Are you blind?
My inner screams are silent.
Get me out of this!
But you can’t.
Another soul brushes mine.
I look at its stupidity,
My only reaction to make a mimicry of it.
First words:
“What does that mean?
Tell me everything.”
Last words:
None.
Only breathing.
And knowing.
What is to be done?
I’ve led you into this.
I can’t lead you out.
I can’t find the way.
The one I trust brought me here,
Fingers locked around my wrist,
Strong and sure.
Footsteps echoing ahead of me.
Tender.
An offering.
An acceptance.
An initiation into a dark world.
Rites of fire and smoke.
Once I repeat it, you will be here too.
Your screams will echo through this darkness.
Your pain will be a reflection of my own.
But I don’t stop.
I blame myself.
I don’t blame you.
You would blame me if you knew.
But you don’t.
And I will never tell you.
You don’t understand, but the light
In your eyes
Is going out.
Will you see before it’s too late?
Will anyone see?
Could anyone see?
Come.
Come.
Here again.
Back once more.
To the edge.
Start over?
No.
Fall again?
Yes.
You are weak.
I know.
Your fingers brush mine.
I don’t pull away.
I want you to take my hand.
I want you to take me out of here.
But as soon as you feel me,
You pull away.
And I wait,
Wait again,
For the pain to come back.
I am strong,
I say.
You are good,
You say.
The best.
Thanks.
But I know better than you.
I know something you don’t know.
I know something you won’t know.
I know something you won’t believe.
I am lost.
I stand beside you,
Sharing your space.
Breathing your air.
Holding your hand.
But I will never be with you.
You think you know me.
Listen for now.
You’ll forget soon anyway.
Never understand.
I am the definition of everything you hate.
A traitor.
And I am running as fast as I can,
Just trying to avoid you.
Trying to avoid your questions,
Your curiosity.
Your blank stare.
I will not be like you.
I will not close my eyes and blindly give in.
The only thing that scares me is the possibility
That no matter how hard I try
I will never
Ever
Find the answer.
And someday, it will be too late,
And my soul will have clicked away
Into nothing.
My hopelessness is now my reality.
And you are never going to know this.
If I can’t do it,
How can you.