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Playful Agony

When the stars lay down to rest
A heavy heart is in my chest
Upon saying farewell to you
My heart was brutally shredded in two
T’was not you that made me cry
But the demon locked within your eye
If it were to be
Between you and me
You would be alive
Dead you are not
But exist you do not
The toy of my brain
Occupant of my thoughts
Be here you should
But alas you are not
The crow caws alone
His complaint goes unheard
You will never speak to me
Not a single word



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This article has 30 comments. Post your own!

Calliashi said...
Sept. 28, 2011 at 6:59 pm:

Good poem. A problem, though, you have it under free verse even though it rhymed, lol.

 

But seriously, I like this. But the 'twas' and 'alas' seemed out of place. 4/5

 
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thepreechyteenager said...
Sept. 8, 2010 at 5:34 pm:

I don't have a problem at all with using words such as 't'was' and 'alas', but I just don't think they flowed well in this poem.  I thought when you used, "t'was", you hadn't built up much of an atmosphere that would accomodate that word.  The poem didn;t have an olden day feel to it, and when you used 't'was' is seemed very out-of-the-blue and random.  Same thing went for alas.  This felt like a very good 21 century poem, with some odd back-in-the-day words mixed in.

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kill6them6all6 said...
Aug. 17, 2010 at 11:59 pm:
To be completely honest with you, I think the "obsolete" words in this poem make it work. I think your writing really has this flow to it, that makes me happy. :) I could read this over and over again. And if people don't like it, you have to realize that not everyone's going to like your poetry. Everyone has a different calling for poetic speech. :)
 
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bluesky0728 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 15, 2010 at 11:15 pm:
Awesome!!! :) I love this! You're an amazing writer (I loved ur Harry Potter fanfic too!)!!!
 
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 15, 2010 at 11:21 pm :
Thank you very much!
 
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GreenEyedGirl14 said...
Aug. 12, 2010 at 9:27 am:
I have to disagree with AvengedJasonFold! I loved the renaissance feel of the poem. A modern technique would have killed the beauty of this! The "t'was"'s and "alas"s made the poem come together in an amazing style! You should definetly write more stories in this type of writing and poetry! PLEASE keep writing like this!!!!
 
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 12, 2010 at 11:32 am :
Thank you! I totally appreciate AvengedJasonFold's comments, but I love writing stuff in past tense. I'm thinking about another story using your advice from a comment on my fan fic. I dunno what about, but I've got something...hopefully! Haha! Thanks for commenting!
 
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AvengedJasonFold said...
Aug. 11, 2010 at 2:52 pm:

wow this was pretty awesome (I'm not just saying that it was pretty good) The only thing I might change would be words like "T'was" and "alas" because they're obsolete in the year 2010

And it's usually not a good idea to write in passive tense so much but this is poetry and it's fun so it still works lol

 
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 11, 2010 at 3:16 pm :
Thanks for your comment! I appreciate the feedback! But, I don't really care about what's obsolete for 2010, I'm not a modern writer, I prefer going back in time. I'm not a Hemmingway, my style doesn't fit in with the Modernists. Thanks again for your time and feedback! It's very much appreciated!
 
AvengedJasonFold replied...
Aug. 11, 2010 at 3:19 pm :
Dude the "t'was" and all that would be obsolete for Hemmingway too. You're going back to Antebellum times--maybe before that.
 
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 11, 2010 at 4:06 pm :
I wasn't saying I have a Hemmingway style, I was giving an example. He wrote it the Modernist era because that was his time. I would write in the common writing era, but I choose not to and that's why I used a bit of old language. I like it.
 
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 11, 2010 at 4:24 pm :
But no matter, I definitely appreciate your comments! You're a tough guy to impress, so I'm glad you like it! I mean, if you would only change "t'was" and "alas", then that's fine with me! Thanks again for reading and commenting!
 
AvengedJasonFold replied...
Aug. 12, 2010 at 8:52 pm :
well if you like it that's all that matters sorry i forgot to mention that before because i'm the strong believer in that lol
 
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 13, 2010 at 8:39 pm :
Hahaha, I can tell.
 
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Anjo! said...
Aug. 11, 2010 at 1:33 pm:
amazing. love the wording. everything flows and you cant stop reading. Keep writing, so good. =]
 
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_Elsy_ said...
Aug. 10, 2010 at 4:33 pm:

wow this is really good, i actually kinda liked that you switch the styles during the middle of the poem, it makes it unique. 5/5

btw-can you check out some of my stuff if you get the chance?

 
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 10, 2010 at 6:00 pm :
Already have! Will post comments as soon as I can!
 
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riley... said...
Aug. 10, 2010 at 1:20 pm:
iDogrocker makes a point about the uncomfortable transition. but overall i love the message and the unique writing style. the first few lines were my favorite :)
 
squidzinkpen replied...
Aug. 11, 2010 at 9:07 am :
Really? Mine too!!
 
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iDogrocker said...
Aug. 8, 2010 at 8:09 pm:
I saw a couple places where the lines were minorly disjointed and it was an uncomfortable transition between lines (the two that ended with "not" is an example...), but it's an interesting poem, and I'm almost curious to see what it would sound like in prose. Good job!
 
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