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Snake Bite.

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Your smile’s fake,
Your wide lips are poison.
Shivers run,
When they touch my skin.
Cool lips of toxic love,
Caressing my innocence.
A viper you are,
You kill with your bite.
I am that victim,
The small mouse in the fight.
Your sick words,
They’re all lies.
How could I trust you,
When all you do is betray?
Fangs of words rip my flesh,
I scream in agony,
But you do not listen;
Wrapped up in those scales,
inflamed with venom.
The deadly vowels hiss off your tongue,
Condemnable and cruel.
I cry and scream,
But you coo lavish love,
Silencing my wails to fear.
I whisper in an inaudible tear,
“Baby, don’t hurt me, no more.”



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alex198 said...
Aug. 14, 2011 at 11:12 am

This was a really great metaphor and there was excellent word choice throughout the poem as well as a good use of poetic techniques like the alliteration used in the phrase "lavish love". Overall this poem was extremely well written with a lot of vivid description and excellent wording. I really enjoyed it. Well done!

 

 
musicprincess This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 23, 2011 at 9:15 am
This is excellent :) I really got some imagery in there and your description is great. I can definitely relate to this.
 
Zaylie said...
Apr. 4, 2011 at 8:02 pm

five. I love the flow.  and the ending. "Baby, don't hurt me, no more."

-Zaylie

 
magnesart said...
Mar. 13, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Absolutely fantastic imagery + diction.

"Cool lips of toxic love", "fangs of words rip my flesh", "coo lavish love" -- it's been a long time since I've read a poem w/ that scale of vividity. The snake references remind me a bit of the beginning in Nabokov's Lolita: where the narrator and his childhood sweetheart have a clandestine meeting in the garden, and she takes a "sibilant intake of breath."

Great work! 5/5

 
thestorycritic said...
Nov. 15, 2010 at 10:38 am
Wow! :) This is really really good!
 
Amiee said...
Aug. 19, 2010 at 10:26 pm

wowowow  O_o real good~~~

you describe it soo realistically and your choice of words are just perfect!

 
Pitiful_Anonymous said...
Aug. 3, 2010 at 10:18 am

:O  LOVELOVEWLOVELOVE!

 

So emotional and truthful! I don't give out five stars often, but you definitely deserve it! Great writing! :)

 
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