I hate my past.

June 30, 2010
By Anonymous

I hate my past.
Whether it is what I did or the people in it, mostly, both.
Erasing my wrongs and the little things in the shadow is impossible, even though they say the impossible is possible (that’s just a saying to keep hope alive)
Hope can’t change what I did, I myself can’t change anything!
I can’t rewind or re-do, I’d wish on every star if it was really possible.
My past doesn’t stay where it is suppose to, it walks where it wants, intrudes, interferes, does whatever it wants when it wants.
All it really does is hold me back whether it is mentally, physically, or emotionally, it does.
My past is nothing but a leash and collar, I run full speed to only get yanked back with scars on me.
But the scars don’t hurt as much as the pain in my heart, the pain I could have prevented along time ago, whether it was to just not be with you or things I did when I was with you, or way way before all of that.
It hurts beyond measure, it’s put your hands in a fire hurt, then after soak them in kerosene hurt and do it again and again for no apparent reason hurt.
What really gets me is the fact that my past with old habits crept up on me, not once but twice.
“Learn from your mistakes” that’s what I have constantly been told “so you don’t repeat it”, but I repeated, baby I repeated, I f***ed up once again before and now.
I can’t take this hell any longer, shame covers me on top of everything.
Because see baby the one thing, the one thing I wanted to change was myself from the girl I use to be.
I never wanted you to lose trust, ever, not in me especially.
I’ve lost trust from people all my life, by lies and not keeping my word.
Breaking my heart, because love is trust and when you imply you trust me enough, it’s equivalent to saying I love you enough but not all the way.
I never wanted doubts instilled in your head by ME or worries that your girl my be up to no good.
You say you have faith, seem to put it where your trust should go, hand it over to God.
Is it to that point where my words aren’t strong enough and my promises are to weak?
I trust you with all my heart, you trust me with a piece, yet it’s not your fault I don’t blame you.
Table turned, cards flipped, I would feel the same, you lied, played me foolish.
I’m so strung up on you that I can’t have just a piece, all or nothing, nothing or all.
And I understand I’ve dug my own hole that I’m barely able to crawl out of.
See whether or not I’m standing with you or just by myself, I will look over this pit and Not fall or trip in ever ever again.
I hate my past, regret? Only what still effects me.

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