I remembered who I was in the rain.

June 6, 2010
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I don’t like who I’ve become.
I don’t like how selfish I can be.
How I don’t listen to Kathryn when she rambles.
How I tell myself Mom can cheer herself up.
How I decide not to spend so much and spend over instead, justifying it somehow.
I don’t like how much I talk about myself.
I don’t like how I feel like I have the right to tell Will what to do, compare him to me, tell him what he should or should not spend. When I am no better.
I don’t like how everyone tells me I am such a good person when they don’t realize that I probably don’t even care about them.
Empty words.
Empty words.
Empty words.
What happened to the me that loved going in the woods with Dad, without him bugging me to go for hours? What happened to the me that trusted people?
Where did this computer addicted me come from? Why do I find MLIA and webcomics so entertaining? Do I?
How can I say I didn’t have time to do something when really I just spent that time on me, enjoying cheap entertainment.
I want to say things to people and mean them.
I want to decide where I am going with life.
I want to look at things and not just think about how beautiful they are, but put in words how beautiful they are.
I want to walk down the street and not think about how good I must look. I want to walk down the street and see how awesome other people seem to be.
I want to relive that first kiss and keep her. I want to forget her. I want her to want me.
I want to have control of myself. I say things I don’t want to say. I eat when I shouldn’t eat.
I want to be the girl who felt so peaceful, so in balance with everything. I don’t remember how I got there. Or how I left.

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