May 30, 2010
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The stars reflect upon the smooth blue
A wave runs across them, making them leap
Cast out by a ship that left harbor brand new
With golden lights dimmed for all are asleep
A guard is surrounded by fog unbreaking
Too late sees the ice rising up from the deep
Passengers wake to find the ship shaking
Into lower compartments water starts to creep
No one believed the ship could go under
They loaded the life boats with few and no hurry
But as water kept coming they started to wonder
Poor people kept below started to worry
As water came up from stairs, creeping nearer
They screamed and they cried for the guards to release them
Splashing through water as clear as a mirror
The key turned in lock so as not to condemn them
Running to lifeboats filled with children and ladies
Half loaded boats gone and many hopes followed
Many sure they shall have to travel to Hades
The lifeboats row away before the ship’s swallowed
Carpathia receives a message for assistance
But by then the ship’s turning, slowly upright
All are afraid of being wiped from existence
Even grown men are screaming and crying in fright
The ship is in half, upright, and going down
To the life giving waters which now gather their pay
Those who remained must now freeze or drown
Never to see the light of the fast approaching day

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This article has 9 comments. Post your own now!

EmmaNemma said...
Nov. 14, 2011 at 3:21 pm
I love the description. It casts everything in a dark and sad light, but that's exactly what it was like.
AvengedJasonFold said...
Aug. 17, 2010 at 8:15 pm

Simon Cowell feedback--you asked for it!

Very very creative and you did seem to pour some passion into this. Most of the lines were really good and they flowed well, but some lines in the passive tense were awkward. 

"With golden lights dimmed for all are asleep" is an awkward sentence. Try to say something like "The gold lights kept dim in their sleep" or something in the active tense that keeps that good flow.

Use the passive tense when you want to victimize someth... (more »)

EmmaNemma replied...
Aug. 18, 2010 at 6:02 am
Thanks! I spent a lot of time trying to make the rhymes good. (Like an hour) I'm not quite sure what you mean by useing a lot of pass tense to find rhymes because I only used it twice. I couldn't use the sentance you suggested because it doesn't make sense in the context because it implies that the lights are the ones sleeping but thanks for the help!
AvengedJasonFold replied...
Aug. 18, 2010 at 7:55 pm

your welcome!

passive tense is a sentence that features something being done to the subject: The dog was walked by Bob.

Active tense is a sentence that focuses on the subject doing an action: Bob walked his dog.

Use the passive tense when you're trying to create a victimizing tone like: The undertow ripped at Mario's ankles as he tried to swim ashore.

You wouldn't say:"Mario was slowed down by the undertow as he swam ashore" because you want to concentrate on the f... (more »)

EmmaNemma replied...
Aug. 24, 2010 at 8:59 am
I'll try it out. By the way, my dog's name is Bob.
roxymutt said...
Jun. 29, 2010 at 12:54 pm
this is a great description of what the feelings and raw emotions were probably like on the last few minutes on the boat...u have a knack for portraying varieties of descriptions also! well done!!! also i know you checked out my work beep...could you check out innocence as well...itll take abt a minute to read hahha 
Authorgal98 said...
Jun. 27, 2010 at 6:22 pm
This is undescribible. But i'll try to comment on the pure, raw feelings you put into this. It sounds liek you witnessed this firsthand!
EmmaNemma replied...
Jun. 28, 2010 at 9:12 am
Thank you so much. I like to learn about things from the wittnesses point of view so that is probably why it seemed like that.
Authorgal98 replied...
Jun. 28, 2010 at 12:08 pm
Yeah, it's interesting
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