Devastated

May 28, 2010
By EllieK. BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
EllieK. BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
4 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Not all who wander are lost"
JRR Tolkien

"Sometimes life sucks, so suck it up"
-ME

""We succeeded in taking that picture (from deep space), and if you look a it, you see a dot. Thats here. That's home. Thats us. On it, everyone you ever heard of


Has there ever been a time
When you couldn't breathe
Couldn't seem to control
Your ragged and heavy breath
Or your heart beating out of your chest
Or the tears pouring from your eyes

Has there ever been a time
When you wanted something so bad
It was all you had ever dreamed of

Has there ever been a time
When the thing you want most in life
Is so close
That you could almost touch it

Has there ever been a time
When what you want most
Has been snatched away
Out of your grasp
Just moments before reaching it

Has there ever been a time
In life
When you've been left
Devastated


The author's comments:
"This was written from an experience that just recently happened to me"

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This article has 21 comments.


on May. 1 2011 at 7:18 pm
SergSG94 BRONZE, Colton, California
4 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
You don't know what you have until It's gone.

I must say, this is a great piece! The way you wrote it is just simply wonderful, as i was reading it i actually felt the emotions you put into it. And it is very relatable. Great Job!

If you would like, you should check out my article called "Thoughts of my Inner Mind" i would really appreciate the feedback. Thank you!


_NoAir_ BRONZE said...
on Aug. 25 2010 at 12:21 pm
_NoAir_ BRONZE, Toronto, Other
4 articles 1 photo 463 comments

Favorite Quote:
There are as many ways to live as there are people in this world. Each one deserves a closer look.


–Golly (Harriet The Spy)

A-maz-ing! It's so addicting, and it really captures your attention. By the way, thanks for commenting on my article!   =)

on Aug. 6 2010 at 11:27 am
moosemitts SILVER, Butte, Montana
8 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein. ~Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith

The emotion in this is really strong, and it's something people can really relate to. Maybe to improve it you could replace some of the more general details, like "wanting something so bad" or "heart beating out of your chest" with more specific, weird little details of how you felt that people wouldn't normally think of. For example, maybe when you were devastated you slept under your kitchen table and wanted to stay there the rest of your life and be known as the woman who lives under her kitchen table because she's gone mad with grief. Or something like that . . .

on Aug. 6 2010 at 11:06 am
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

Not only do I absolutely love the emotion, but I love the literary elements that you used like diction and repetition!

EmmaNemma GOLD said...
on Aug. 2 2010 at 4:23 pm
EmmaNemma GOLD, The Shire, Vermont
10 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you think you are a hypochondriac by definition aren't you?

This piece is one of the best ones I've read on teenink. You didn't write a flimsy piece about a break-up or love but one that you truly put your heart into. I like the way you never said what happened, you didn't tell a story and yet at the same time you let me know how you felt when it happened. You're a great writer.

on Aug. 2 2010 at 12:13 pm
wild-free BRONZE, Billerica, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 52 comments

Favorite Quote:
"All good things are wild and free." - Henry David Thoreau

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." - Albus Dumbledore

This piece was very powerful and relatable. You were able put emotions into words so beautifully and poetically, I couldn't help but feel those emotions myself. I loved the ending-so abrupt and meaningful. Truly great job!

iDogrocker said...
on Aug. 2 2010 at 12:10 am
iDogrocker, Lebanon, Oregon
0 articles 0 photos 78 comments
I love that this has such an abrupt ending! It's really fascinating to me and makes me like the poem a lot more than I probably would. There's this cadence throughout the whole thing, and then BAM! The end. I did a little mental double take there. Nice work :)

on Jul. 14 2010 at 9:40 pm
fiction77 BRONZE, St. John&#39s, Other
2 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the end of the movie “The Never Ending Story.”

I like your closing!

Shelly-T GOLD said...
on Jul. 9 2010 at 9:07 am
Shelly-T GOLD, Romeoville, Illinois
13 articles 0 photos 72 comments
Great job, this is great

on Jul. 8 2010 at 8:17 pm
Just.A.Dream SILVER, Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
7 articles 0 photos 431 comments

Favorite Quote:
Part of the J7X team. :)

Very relatable. I love the way you describe the emotions, you can definitely tell it comes from the heart.

The flow isn't the smoothest, but not bad.

Good job!


on Jul. 4 2010 at 5:28 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

I loved this, it was so descriptive and TRUE, perfect title, great use of words.  Nice job.

on Jul. 4 2010 at 3:11 pm
writerinfinity PLATINUM, Arlington, Texas
35 articles 0 photos 105 comments
good job, very good job, light and heartfelt at the same time, you made the light heartedness light and didn't apply to much heartfelt. Excellent

on Jul. 3 2010 at 8:46 am
HeatherBee BRONZE, I Live In, Texas
1 article 0 photos 1985 comments

Favorite Quote:
Go on and try to tear me down. I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper

Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect

whoaa this poem's awesomee!! :DDD its so relatable!! i love itt, love it

on Jul. 2 2010 at 7:47 pm
abster55 BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans.” -Ronald Reagan

I loved this! I could connect with the entire thing so much! You add loads of emotion and detail, which makes it so well.

on Jul. 2 2010 at 3:09 pm
WhiteRabbit BRONZE, Chicago, Illinois
3 articles 2 photos 80 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Why do we fall sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up." -Batman Begins

Definatly, and I perfer not to speak of it, but great discriptions I love it when a writer puts herself into her work. Awesome

on Jul. 1 2010 at 10:07 pm
Shoka_no_sanraizu SILVER, Huntington, Indiana
5 articles 0 photos 25 comments
I love this, I mean it is so true and I am sorry that when you wrote it that it had just recently happened to you. I enjoyed it good job. :D

on Jun. 30 2010 at 10:04 pm
sleeplessdreamer PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
30 articles 0 photos 332 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I have always wanted to write in such a way that people say, 'I have always thought that but never found the words for it.'" -anonymous

I love this. I could really feel that longiing for something that you couldn't have. The flow was beautiful. And I love the last line being a single word. Really nice job. 5/5 stars!

MitchB. SILVER said...
on Jun. 30 2010 at 8:25 pm
MitchB. SILVER, Lol, Florida
9 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"

This was very good, and i loved the title!

on Jun. 26 2010 at 1:50 pm
ReadWriteBreathe PLATINUM, Pocatello, Idaho
24 articles 4 photos 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you" Tyler Durden Fight Club

This is really good. I love that it's called devastated and not has there ever been a time. I also love the imagry. I can picture someone reaching for something and it being taken away. Nice work.

on Jun. 25 2010 at 9:20 am
Bassoonkelley GOLD, Tampa, Florida
15 articles 0 photos 49 comments
There's an urgency in your writing style that is really passionate, and I like that :) However, a lot of your diction is very vague and general. "When the thing you want most in life is so close" could be a detailed metaphor instead, like reaching out to save a child but you're always just inches away. Something concrete gives the reader a solid image to work with, and makes the writing more heartfelt. The adjectives you use in the beginning of your poem like "heart beating out of your chest" or "tears pouring from your eyes" are also very over-played. Try something fresh and unique that makes the reader squirm a bit. It'll be awkward and new and that's what makes poetry really exciting!




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