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Desirable Despair

Despair left the shadow of her fingerprints on my thoughts;
Dragged her ragged fingernails across my flesh:
Life’s constant reminder of past mistakes.
Can’t seem to staunch the flowing blood;
Unable to release the endless tears.
Twisted memories permeate my mind’s crumbling wall:
built up from a lifetime of caution;
annihilated by a cluster of unexpected words.
Torn apart by your thorn infused tongue,
I’m alone, yet again.
And it hurts ever more,
because I have the knowledge that this pain is of my own execution,
that I accepted it of my own free will,
savored it until it became a living part of me.
I showed you my vulnerability, my weaknesses:
the points at which you could burrow your knife;
the ones now draining me of everything I have
but the prospect of a bleak future.
So I’ll hide in my mind,
and cower from a world
in which I no longer have the ability to protect myself.
And I’ll live in my own little world:
one where sorrow ceases to seep from my pores,
and monsters are unable to fool me with misleading human forms;
deceiving my mind with pleasant appearances
and convincing promises.
I have no need for these false truths;
this harsh reality hidden behind children’s fairytales.
So I’ll leave it all behind.
I’ll leave you to pick up the pieces,
the remnants of my past life,
shattered by your callous apathy.
You said you never wanted to hurt me.
But you did anyways.
And this poison you’ve innocently slipped into my drink?
It has no remedy.
And it’s slowly devouring my heart.
So why do I continue to hold on to this deteriorating world?
So why do I cling to this desirable Despair?
So why do I still love you?




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