Run Home Penguins (The Toast)

March 27, 2010
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To the garden of statues
All out of my control
From the linen sheets to the draperies
To ba****s in tuxedoes, like wild penguins
A wild kingdom and big-top circus
To forty shots of bad vodka
and the ten bottles of your finest champagne

Two drunks afloat in a fountain
Where stone cherubs frolic and p***
To their wives in the back room
Behind sanguine curtains and velvet lies
Between the sheets with old best friends
To the wild penguins rolling on the lawn
Who forget to loosen neck ties

To the cougars in the bathroom
Where wild penguins dare not roam
To Old Glory waving from Corinthian pillars
To New Glory washing the cruddy dishes
The snakes hanging in the birch trees
After a rat or skunk on every corner
To the money tree where pigs perch and poop.

Ten barrels of rum
Filled with doped up monkeys
To the last tankard of beer
Drank by a man who’s half elephant
To the midget and the leprechaun in the punch
And the apple martini on the rocks
Where it fell from gaping balconies

And finally to you, my friend
Who thought the roof’s gutter was a slide
And that your ex could fly--or so you told the judge
Passed out on my porch with two bats and a bear
But I don’t care, you could have had the house
To the three dead boars and a moose in a noose
To the penguins that ran home.

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