I’ve got to admit
I’m tired of writing sad poems
But what else can I do
When I’m about to lose a third grandparent
Within six months?
The second within TWO months
And I’m scared for the day when it happens?
I’ve even written one
For each one who’s died or about to die.
This one is no different.

I’m tired
Of crying
From the pain that comes before any death
And after any death
That makes me sad and sick and numb
And my heart twist itself into a knot
And not want to think about anything else.

I’m tired
Of always having my poem finished
For Mr. Pelz’s slam poetry team
Because I always get inspired first
By something sad that has happened in my life
Because that sad event hurts inside me
And I want coop myself up in a room
And just write out my feelings into a poem.

I’m tired
Of being kept from a normal teenage life
Because they have to leave at the one time
When I feel invincible
So it brings me down
And back to step one
I struggle to start up again
And when I do
Another death brings me down
And it repeats.

I’m tired
Of trying to keep my grades up
And they don’t keep up
Because when I’m all these things
At the same time
Studying doesn’t work its way into the equation
And homework is abandoned
Stained with my dried tears.

I’m tired
Of being tired
And helpless
Because I never feel like doing anything
Because of the depression
That takes over my life.

And most of all
I’m so tired
Of being angry
And I don’t even know why.
I sit here in class
Being unproductive
Ignoring the pointless lesson
Angry at everyone.

Maybe it’s because
They’re trying and studying
And it won’t get them anywhere
Because a death will bring them down soon enough
And their effort would be worth nothing
So why do they bother?

Or maybe it’s because
I’m just jealous of them
Because they’re not me.
No one is dying in their lives.
Nothing will bring them down.

But this time,
It is different
My birthday is in a few days
And it’s not just my birthday
It’s my sweet 16.

I was so excited to have an escape to the mountains
With my friends
Away from this hellhole of school and grades
Except now it is cancelled
Because deaths are getting in the way.

I will feel pain and longing for her
Instead of the joy that a birthday brings.
So when someone says, “Happy Sweet 16,”
It will be neither happy nor sweet.
Just the16 part.

For the rest of my life
My special day of the year
Will bring me sadness and pain
From her memory
Instead of the joy and fun of a birthday

I feel mad but at the same time I don’t.
Because she has been waiting to go for months
But I have been waiting for this day FOREVER
This was supposed to be
MY day
MY time
I thought being 16
Was best age to be.

It makes me think
Why can’t she stay just a little longer?
Why die now?
But at the same time, I ask
Why not die now?
She can’t help it.
It’s HER time.
To die.

This is unfair.
Well, LIFE is unfair.
But I’ll live through it
Like I had to endure twice this year.
I don’t have a choice.

She will die like everyone else
And though her death will hurt me as if
I were stabbed in the heart
I will live on
Still sad and angry at first
But I’ll get over it.
Because this is life.
Suffering is a part of it.
It sucks.

At least I’ll be ready this time.