superman

i never asked why,
why you didn't eat,
why you smoked more cigarettes than any chain smoker I knew,
why you could drink whiskey like it was water,
while everyone else choked on vomit spewing from drunken mouths.
you always told me you were superman,
invincible in your own way.
i wanted to believe you more than anythings,
that you could make it through anything that was thrown at you.
i lacked the nerve to ask you,
to expose the questions i played in my head,
on those late June evenings,
when nothing mattered but what we were eating later on,
and the plans for that night.
i blocked the future,
left it to be dealt with another day.
you were my bestfriend,
you knew everything about me,
each of my past failures,
each faulty reaction to boys in tight jeans with lisps,
paired with too much rum.
I held in the contents of my stomach,
listening to the whispering voices of boys whose names i would never remember in the morning.

thinking over last summer,
the memory of losing you is most prominent,
laying cold on the carpet,
no heartbeat,
no breathe.
the downward spiral that had become your life,
it welcomed you.
that was you love on this earth;
the reckelss habits you enjoyed.
each line of a new drug,
the buring feeling in your throat as you downed the last of the bottle,
the churning of your stomach begging for a morsel of food.
you loved it;
loved the power of controlling on things in your life.
and that was exactly what you were controlling;
you life.
every shallow breathe that left your lungs,
a single beat in your heart,
it was all a price worth paying for you.

there was never a steady balance for you.
you lived carelessly,
and never let the world tell you what to do with yourslef
i have to believe that you knew what you were doing,
that you passed the point of where you thought you couldn't return.
i wish you could have found a small sliver inside of you to let me in,
to let me help you with everything you were dealing with,
all the angst and anger, the sadness.
we made up for a part of each other that was lost along the way.
i don't know if i believe in hell or heaven,
but i really hope you're in a better place.
i think of you everytime i watch Tom and Jerry,
or smell Camel cigarettes.
you'll always be the part of my past that i won't let go of.
you're to valuable to let slip away,
because you taught me to endure.
i haven't drank since that night,
touched a cigarette,
or taken a hit of anything.
i need to survive,
just to prove to you that i am stronger than you ever were.
i couldn't be superman like you thougt you were,
because even superman falls.





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