April 19, 2010
By , Port Orange, FL
The stars fascinate me.
Every wisp of light that stretched out to me-
and every glimpse-
filled me with deep longing, love, and happiness.
When the moon is halfway through its journey across the sky,
one can find me gazing through my window up at the stars,
letting them steal me away into a world so utterly unlike our own.

Why am I so in love with these burning flames?
A smile is swept up onto my face as I remember.
My heart lurches, and my chest feels like it's going to burst.
Memories make war onto my mind,
raiding it and bringing bursts of images and words:
A boy, calling a girl, in the middle of a cold January night.
His voice was hushed; he urged her to look out her window.
She obliges, asking why. The smile is in his voice as he replies,
“Because tonight, the stars are almost as beautiful as you.”

Maybe that's why I still look outside up at the stars almost every night;
to fill in the empty void that was dug awhile ago.
Looking up at the stars fills me with anguish, to say the least...
but pillages of love and hope slip in as well, reminding me there's something more.
Something more than just empty lies and thoughtless words.
It forces me to remember who I was...
And it reminds me of who I've become.

Who have I become?
I beliece I've become a grim, pessimistic and sullen shell of what I was.
My eyes that had once, I believe, shone with happiness and luck,
now only gaze dimly with tears or pain.
My words echo weeks of sorrow,
instead of vibrant speeches.
I have become a shadow, a mere shadow, of what once was.

I am that girl who sits silently in the corner,
reading a book or observing the world that surrounded her.
I am the friend in the group that doesn't say much unless needed.
I will dress in black not because I am sad or grim,
but because it makes me blend in and become unnoticeable.
Smiles do not come easily to my face because I see things others don't.
These are the things I've always been.

But life threw a fast one at me,
catching me off guard and hitting me square in the face
when I wasn't looking the right way.
Before I knew it, I was face down on the ground,
my nose shoved up in dirt, my arms hanging by my side helplessly.
I got stomped on, passed by, and ignored.
Torture, bleeding torture, emotionally, ensued then,
making me somebody I never knew.

So where am I now?
Have I recovered from this fall?
I don't think so, no.
I may no longer be on my face, sobbing.
On the contrary, I am standing up, trying to keep my head held high...
But people keep shoving me, and kicking me, trying to knock me back down.
There are bruises that don't seem to heal, wounds that refuse to fade.
They plague me like a disease.

I may smile-
but that smile is brittle and apt to crumble at any second;
fake and full of meaningless lies.
Behind the smile is a whole other world...
a world consisting purely of mockery and grief.

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emmmm said...
Aug. 28, 2010 at 1:16 pm

oh wow. this is soooo good.

it's crazy how people have such a huge impact on others' lives, and they/we don't even think about it when we're being rude or insensitive.

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