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Requiem of a Star

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I hide in the darkness.
I need the most morbid nights.
My mind swirls in nothingness, and I feel the horror of solitude.
I look left and right, up and down.
Which way to go, how many trails until the end?

Step, just another thought.
Step, just another tear.
Step, just another question.

Every action has its consequences. Some good, some bad. Every one different in every respect. Some will drive you to tears in laughter, while others will make you collapse to your knees your tightened hands pounding against the cold solid earth.
When can you escape the fear?
Must you keep on standing?
When can you stop lifting your chest, stop letting the air suckle life into you?
Yet the question, the real one I ask myself each and every day.
How many times can I break until I shatter?

Tired eyes, a prolonged face among the many.
Corrupting from the inside, being torn apart. Torture in every step, a link snapping with every movement. A thousand daggers slicing as they go.
Round and round they always go.
The sharp edges must only wait, the ice will surely fall.
The red ooze of life, the thing that hurts when it’s not even broken.

My feet dangle here; my toes touch the cool liquid beneath the dock.
My head hangs in the darkest, my mind is not my own.
The soft glow of the pale silent moon is my way of sight.
No sound, but the waves against the beach.
The groans of the aging wood, wise in its longtivity.

There is nothing here, all things sleep.
Yet here I am awake.
Doomed to never sleep, doomed to these things that fills my mind.
All words are twisted, nothing is true.
All thoughts are hidden; you only show what you want to.
All actions have their own agendas
All agendas have their own goals.

I flex my tired legs; I had already worn myself out.
I have given it my all; I have received nothing for it.
My constant worries, whirling overhead in a typhoon of darkness.
Overpowering, powerful, undefeatable is my shell that holds nothing but myself, a single mind unimportant, next to useless in the grand schemes of everything around us.

I have lost my sense of kindness.
It’s an emotion I can barely feel; barely touch with my heavy hands.
I had once tried it, the embrace of it.
The happiness that can follow, and the forgiveness that could ensue. The smiles, and laughs, hopes and dreams all bundled up into one action, one thought.
Then that one thing, the seemingly perfect gift turns into a disaster of nothingness.
From that nothing brews something ugly.
From that ugly, forms something we could not think of just a few days ago.
Hate becomes amazing, becomes your life source. You must feed on it or you will just dry out and die.
Your bones will flex, and your skin will crack from kindness.
Your mind will deform into dust, and the rest will surely follow.
Hate, it can become like water. Something you need without doubt, need without feeling remorse inside.
Least for a time…..

Dear god I have finally given up, I can feel it in my sinking chest.
A sense of purpose is gone; my chest no longer swells in pride of my feats and glories.
A lingering sense of failure fills my eyes; the darkness all around me replaces the once so full sensation.
My heart beat slows, it beats so slowly.
The adrenaline from the malistic infested sprint here, its entirely gone sucked back into the nothingness in which it had come.
Hands shaking, knees rocking side to side in fear.
A deep lake of black. Nothing ahead, nothing behind. An endless trail of despair. Nothing left, nothing to love. All is gone, everything.

But no.
I have everything.
I have friends, some closer; some farther.
Some I hate, but for some reason I keep them along.
Some I keep close, for they are true friends.
I have family.
My loved ones, those who keep me going in a way I can’t understand.
Always there, sometimes the right words are nothing but silence.
Sometimes just a smile, sometimes just a simple movie in the dark popcorn in hand.

I come dangerously close to the end of the solid wood underneath of me. The soft splash of the water below fills my ears again as I rock back and forth.
My hands are dead white; I hold the wood so tight in dead fear.
I can feel the splinters digging against my flesh, the blood swelling down my wrist into the water below.
My knees suddenly go stiff, locked and unmoving. Everything is a battle, everything that’s just me and my lonesome unaided and alone.



People race through my mind. In one ear and out of the other quick and relentless.
Their smiles smack me across the face, the sting of their fingers crammed into my face.
When I think it’s over their laughter begins
It cuts me away as well as any dagger.
Time has stopped; I wish to hide myself behind my blood filled hands. Yet I know it will be to no avail. Anger grips everything; my I want to rip my heart out of my chest. The pain must stop, it has to stop.
Let my soul go out to what fate wills.

I’ve let myself go, and my mind searches back farther and farther. Creeping deeper into the forsaken parts of my eternity.
Forgotten memories full of laughter, replace the more recent.
I watch myself as I slowly fall, without the ability to pick myself up again.
I watch being disappointed, I watch myself cry.
I watch nothing, only a little life important to only a few.
I watch fading…. Slowly but surely. Losing my way with every tiny step into the wrong direction.
I watch the good that hides around the edges. That waits and watches silently in a curious gaze.
I need to feel that… I need to……… feel good.

I begin to cough, it’s too cold now.
Late into the night, I know people are now searching for me in earnest.
I know yelling shall ensure, I know I need this… I want this.
The dark water looks so inviting, the pain could stop. Liquid could replace air, but nothing could replace the pain.
My anger could disappear, I could disappear.
I could suck in the cold, and let my chest fall silent.
I could hold the liquid into my lungs, and rest forever.

There is something.
The reason I hold on, I see the small star above me.
I see the bright flash of ever so calm and eloquent light. Somehow, from somewhere a small grin gains ground across my face.
My eyes close, and my head weaves.
Calm, something I realized that I had found but only forgotten.

I can feel it now; I could almost reach out and touch it.
I feel it; I feel the dark mood despair that surrounds me. And I have kept it willingly. I have let it build up stronger and stronger. I have let a dark shadow follow me where I go, and let it do to me what it wish.
I’ll have no more of it! I clench my jaw, so tight that it hurts. Nothing can stop me; nothing can stop my invincible force. I push my conscious out of the corner of my mind. I let my hiding soul take back control from that blinding darkness.
It’s a constant battle, my mind split in two.

Yet with every step gained, I get stronger.
With every step I grow.
With every step I learn more about what I’m missing.
With every step I realize what I could have.
With every step I realize I have ignored my loves, I have ignored everything good.

I realize I’ve been holding by breath.
An exhausted sigh comes from my lips; my hands loosen against the grains of the wood. The lungs in my chest ache for air, I can feel the numbing pain in my hands the splinters deep into my flesh.
I feel as if I have been asleep, watching my life as if it was a horrible endless dream. Every choice not my own, every thought corrupted.
I stretch my legs, stiff from hanging for so long.
My eyes close, the stars seem so much brighter now. They’ve come back to me.

I send my thanks.
Because I know you’ve brought me back my bright and shining star.



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niccalson1oak said...
May 10, 2010 at 7:20 pm
There are so many things I want to say about this poem.... But I'll just begin by saying I really loved the line "stop letting the air suckle life into you?" It left a very visual impression on me... an excellent metaphor.
 
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