The Words of a Critic

It needs to be less choppy
you need to make it flow
If everyone dies in the end who is going to know
I realize your life isn't to great
but there is no need to disappear on sight.
I did not like the rhyme
I did not like the attempted woe
because in the end I did laugh
at this amusingly horrific scene.
It needs that extra something,
that is not there today
I hope you understand my laughter now
for I did not mean to make you cry
for in the end I truly did laugh
at this horrific scene
That was formed from words upon my screen





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UnderstandMEClearlyNOW said...
Jul. 30, 2010 at 5:58 pm
This is meant to be hypocritical in a sense that yes it will be alittle bit awkward and slightly on the mean side. Because hypocrites hide behind hurtful words.
 
dianaforfree said...
May 19, 2010 at 10:24 am
i find this to be awkward. now don't get me wrong, i understand the feel, and it's so true true true, but the words that are used are a bit choppy and it just doesn't flow.  then again; wasn't that your point?
 
A_Fate_Unknown said...
May 18, 2010 at 7:33 pm
hmmm dont get too upset at constructive critism people are there only to help! you are your own worst critic!
 
sunnyhunny This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 18, 2010 at 5:56 pm
This sounds kind of cruel in a way, but I'm not sure if you mean yourself as a critic or someone else.  Really great, though.  Just change "To" to "too" in the fourth line.  Thanks for the feedback on my work, btw.
 
UnderstandMEClearlyNOW replied...
May 18, 2010 at 8:17 pm
Ok yall missed the point its not literally about a critic its figuratively about a relationship read between the lines plz :)
 
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