Fix the Pain

April 13, 2010
By AlexandraVasari PLATINUM, Fort Stewart, Georgia
AlexandraVasari PLATINUM, Fort Stewart, Georgia
28 articles 4 photos 174 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing songs is super intimate. It's a bit like getting naked"~ Gwen Stefani


Something new in this time
An eclipse of the purity of rhyme
Your head is the factory
Your heart makes the fantasy

Something to fix this pain
An option to stay sane
A rainbow light everlasting
Or a cell of darkness abiding

In your factory called a head
The poison starts to spread
Just need something to fix this pain
To help you stay sane

Your head is the factory
Your heart makes the fantasy
There are two paths you must choose one
The darkness of depths or the light of the sun

In your factory called a head
The poison starts to spread
Wishing you were dead
As you start to dread

What it’s going to take
To fix the things you break
Something to fix the pain
To help you stay sane



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This article has 15 comments.


on Nov. 25 2010 at 10:32 pm
AlexandraVasari PLATINUM, Fort Stewart, Georgia
28 articles 4 photos 174 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing songs is super intimate. It's a bit like getting naked"~ Gwen Stefani

Exactly! Free verse is whatever you want it to be... I've yet to read that book but I'll have to check it out. ~Thanks

on May. 15 2010 at 11:06 pm
AlexandraVasari PLATINUM, Fort Stewart, Georgia
28 articles 4 photos 174 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing songs is super intimate. It's a bit like getting naked"~ Gwen Stefani

Yay!!!!This is one of my personal favorites so thanks for commenting!I'm glad you like it!:)

Sultana GOLD said...
on May. 15 2010 at 10:12 pm
Sultana GOLD, Albertson, New York
10 articles 0 photos 17 comments
This is veryyyy well written. I felt like as the piece progressed, I was being torn apart slowly between the two sides, with a fading into black a the end. This gave me the chills. I enjoyed it a lot.

MiriamH said...
on May. 14 2010 at 6:59 am
MiriamH, Mequon, Wisconsin
0 articles 0 photos 92 comments

Favorite Quote:
“I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough, it’ll make sense.”

 belive that free verse can be wha you want it to be. Have you read the book Witness?? that is free verse, and it doesn't have to rhyme. 

on May. 14 2010 at 1:12 am
AlexandraVasari PLATINUM, Fort Stewart, Georgia
28 articles 4 photos 174 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing songs is super intimate. It's a bit like getting naked"~ Gwen Stefani

Here-to-be-here thanks for the critic I'll take what you said into consideration.

Mimi thanks and it's meant to be free verse and that's how free verse is supposed to be....but I'll post some poems that aren't free verse and you can tell me what you think!:) Dido!:)

 


MiriamH said...
on May. 13 2010 at 8:48 pm
MiriamH, Mequon, Wisconsin
0 articles 0 photos 92 comments

Favorite Quote:
“I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough, it’ll make sense.”

I really like that it flows and it has so much emotion. What I don't like is the rhyming pattern because it does not stay the same. Thanks for the comments on my work.

on May. 13 2010 at 7:16 pm
UnderstandMEClearlyNOW PLATINUM, Fayetteville, North Carolina
23 articles 14 photos 44 comments

Favorite Quote:
Imperfection is beauty; Madness is genius. It is better to be absolutely ridiculous then totally boring~~Marlin Monroe

The second and fourth stanza's were off beat 

Second :: "A rainbow light everlasting/ Or cell of darkness abiding" (Edit and revise)

Fourth:: "There are two paths you must choose one/ The darkness of depths or light of the sun"

 

SOooo heres what I think you should do with it

Second:: "A rainbows light everlasting/ Or a cell of darkness disconsorting  (It has to flow in a pattern think syllables)

 

Fourth:: "There are two paths/ you must choose one or the other (new stanza) "Write about the last line of the fourth stanza :)

 

Fifth Stanza:: "As you start to dread" ~~~REVISION~~~

"And trust me you will start to dread"

 

 

That's about it sry im in a picky mood today I really like where you are going with this one :) Keep writing!!!


on May. 13 2010 at 5:14 pm
AlexandraVasari PLATINUM, Fort Stewart, Georgia
28 articles 4 photos 174 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing songs is super intimate. It's a bit like getting naked"~ Gwen Stefani

I've already written poems that don't rhyme, I prefer free verse and honestly when I wrote this I was'nt trying to rhyme it just happened. Haiku is a really fun one to me! I'll be sure to post some non-rhyming poetry if that's what you really want...... you say you like it what do you like?! Also what do you not like?!:)thanks for commenting!:)

on May. 13 2010 at 5:06 pm
AlexandraVasari PLATINUM, Fort Stewart, Georgia
28 articles 4 photos 174 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing songs is super intimate. It's a bit like getting naked"~ Gwen Stefani

Well I've never heard that one before!lol I don't really listen to Marylin Manson nor do I know much about him.....but I'll try to take it in the best way possible. When it comes to Metal influences, I like Led Zepplin and Alice in Chains.....I'm glad you like it though and can relate, that's the best compliment to me!:)

on May. 12 2010 at 9:59 pm
Pitiful_Anonymous PLATINUM, New Cumberland, West Virginia
22 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
"and all you f***ers go beep beep beep in cheap,plastic cars. If It's to dumb to see or say you'll still sing it, and I'll just cue the applause" - Marilyn Manson

Wow... This sounds like something i would expect from myself, or maybe Marilyn Manson (Don't worry because I compared you to him... i do it to almost everybody for some reason)

 

This is very deep and well written. While reading this i found myself thinking of my own life, and times in it that i felt this way.  For some reason i got the feeling of (again) Marilyn Manson...  It's hard to explain, but he is my Idol, and for me to compare you so closely to him seems like a compliment to me. (take it how you wish)


MiriamH said...
on May. 12 2010 at 9:30 pm
MiriamH, Mequon, Wisconsin
0 articles 0 photos 92 comments

Favorite Quote:
“I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough, it’ll make sense.”

I like it. I think you should try writing a non-rhyming poem (just a suggestion) for something new.

on May. 11 2010 at 2:19 pm
AlexandraVasari PLATINUM, Fort Stewart, Georgia
28 articles 4 photos 174 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing songs is super intimate. It's a bit like getting naked"~ Gwen Stefani

Thank you! I'm so glad you relate, and I would love to check your stuff out!:) Btw No worries, I don't plan to ever stop!;)

on May. 11 2010 at 9:58 am
jennee21_ann GOLD, Helper, Utah
17 articles 0 photos 568 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't gain the world and lose your soul....wisdom is better than silver or gold."

"You can always close a book, but you can never close the mind of a writer."

awesome job (: wow. this is so deep, and there's soo much emotion. i can easily relate, and i like how the poem has a nice flow (: great job!! would you mind commenting on some of my work? (: thanks. keep writing!!

on May. 10 2010 at 8:02 pm
AlexandraVasari PLATINUM, Fort Stewart, Georgia
28 articles 4 photos 174 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writing songs is super intimate. It's a bit like getting naked"~ Gwen Stefani

thanks so much, and I'll deff check it out!:)

on May. 7 2010 at 8:53 pm
Boosflash DIAMOND, Jacksonville, Florida
54 articles 0 photos 2066 comments

Favorite Quote:
Get, Got, Gotten.

very nice...if you're really obsessed with fixing the pain you should read "the architect" by mattrgrs. it would persuade you in another direction. once again-very nice work.


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