Tightrope Love

April 11, 2010
Don’t cry. Everything’s gonna be alright.
I hate the way you say this, the way the words tumble out of your mouth like a tsunami,
hate the way that once they’re out they fall, fall, fall down and explode in the air between us
pushing us apart.

I hate the way you cock your head, looking at me as though you know me through and through. As if you have me completely figured out, a puzzle finished long ago and now boxed up and thrown into a closet.

I hate the way you look so expectant, waiting for me to answer you and be ever so grateful that you’re here for me, trying to help. But I hate your trying, your words all only skin deep and barely making a ripple on the surface of your heart.

I hate that later we’ll act like everything is fine, even though on the inside I’m
trying to get away from myself
trying to break out and tell you,
somehow convey to you all of the feelings inside me.

I hate that you’ve wasted so much of my time, making me live without you. It’s like time spent holding my breath, waiting for what I know is mine. I hate that you’re scared to tell me the truth, scared that I won’t want you once I know you’re imperfect. I hate this feeling of walking on a tightrope, never knowing when I might come crashing down, knowing that everyone is watching me fall.

I hate missing you all the time and not knowing what to say when you’re here, the moments stretching longer and longer until we are not even in the same frame of mind.

I hate the promises you try so hard but fail to keep, the excuses that you say. I hate that you love me and always have. I hate that you care about me and always will. I hate this story of us that I’ve pieced together in my head; the way I think things should be. I hate that we are perfect together.

And I hate that I expect more than this, that I want you to say words you mean and not only say them, but feel them. I want emotions blasting like a loudspeaker
uncontrollable emotion that seeps into your soul and stays there.
And in the silence that follows, I just want the truth.

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