Don't Think You'd Understand

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The chatter becomes a blur around me
Their incessant talk drowning out my thoughts
I look out the dirty window pane to see
The black bird perched in a tree.
A crow. It looks at me then flies off
“Take me with you!” I shout inside my head
It doesn’t look back as it sails into the horizon.
I turn back to the teacher, who is teaching about something
And I try to listen but I can’t
And I feel like I’m slipping from reality
Drowning in my sorrow
And if some one were to look at me they would not see me
Because I am not here I do not exist, and the bell rings
And we shuffle out, zombies of the education system.
The crowds riot and friends scream and I want to rush past it all
And I’m weaving and waving and ducking and dodging
And it seems the harder I try the longer the hall becomes
And another blessed ding
And I’m alone
Wandering the empty halls looking for something I cannot find
And I go in circles and have I been here before?
And everything is changed, and it’s snowing
And I look down at my hands, not my hands
And I look around, and it’s familiar
A place in a world I tried to forget, and I’m here
Ad I want to run, but my feet are glued to the ground,
And the tears I bottled up, they flow eagerly glad of escape,
And I don’t want to live this again, but I am and I am and I am
And I close my eyes and I hear the sirens, and my 12 year old brain
It knows that they will be coming soon, and their here,
And I repeat the words “She’s not here.”
And I want them to go away, because I know what there here for
And I know when they take her away, I won’t see her again, and my family will
Be destroyed
And it will be my fault because I called them. My fault
And here’s older brother, coming up on his bike, and he doesn’t understand and
What can I tell him? That I did it to save us?
The cops go check the house, and they see the drugs, and the empty cupboards,
And the wall that was set on fire. And they look at me with pity, and
My younger brother cries because he doesn’t understand,
And what can I tell him? That I love him to much, so I had to call?
And we wait and it grows dark, and it’s 11, and it’s and hour before my 13 birthday and
Then the crunch of gravel, and I cry more and I want to tell her to run
I’m sorry I shouldn’t have called, but would she understand?
And they handcuff her and she tells them to wait,
And my throat hurts and it’s closed up and still I cry
And she calls me over and she says “Hey mommy’s sweetie pumpkin, I got you a present”
And she’s handcuffed so I reach into her pocket
And pull out the tiny necklace and I open it and it sings a lullaby and I cry harder
And I want to tell her to run but the put her in a car, and I run out to the street,
And I call for them to bring her back till my throat is hoarse,
And they have to pull me away, and I fight it because it was
A mistake, but they wouldn’t understand, and we drive silently, and
It’s 12 o clock, and I’m 13 and we pull into a drive way
And people greet me and where is my family what did I do?
They put me to bed and I lay there for hours
Hearing the sirens in my head and watching them take her away,
And it’s my fault and I can’t take it back.
I blink and I’m back and a teacher tells me to get to class
And I shuffle down the linoleum halls, invisible to the world,
And I sit in class and try to listen but I can’t.
And I keep quiet and don’ tell any one what I did,
Because I don’t think they’ll undersatnd





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