This Is Why:

March 23, 2010
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I never wanted for you to promise me anything.
Why I never wanted to get so close in the first place.
I knew that the closer we got, the further I'd fall.
Then the nearer I would strike back, until
Soon enough I became the adversary.
I kept fighting for you, and you never fought back.
However, maybe I was never really fighting for you.
I think I was always, in some form or another,
I was always really fighting against. Yet,
I could never get enough of you to be satisfied.
I always wanted more, though I fought against that urge too.
What was I fighting? I don't even know anymore.
None of it even really seems to matter.
You wanted me to be vulnerable. I can't give you that.
Though that saddens me, because you gave it to me.
I was selfish, and yet so selfless, that I hurt myself.
Which means in essence, I was right. You couldn't hurt me.
I told you though, that I was going to hurt you.
I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would.
It's just the way I am. It's what I'm good at.
Did we take advantage of each other?
We were afraid to care too much, in fear the other didn't care at all?
Was I just a naive child, fooled by my capricous youth?
I knew one day you'd leave, but now is just too soon.
I never had a reason to ask, "what if." Yet now it's all I do.
The one thing I'm sure of, is that I don't regret a single moment.
I thank you for the last three years.
I still love you. I always will.

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