Searching For You

March 21, 2010
By , Salt Lake City, UT
The day started out fine
Until I saw her eyes
Far off, in an unknown place where she becomes unreachable
I realized yet again she was not the person that I knew

She was sitting where she always sat
When her visitor always comes to see her
I tell her please, choose me
But she does not listen
She tells me to "Get out" "Let me be" but I refuse to listen.

I kneal down beside her
I beg and I plead
Why won’t you choose me?
Please choose me..

Tears running down my face
She does not notice
She used to be the one to wipe those tears away
But now its she, who creates them.

The concern, worry and love I have for her
She mistakes it for the exact opposite; a callous betrayal
Or maybe its the visitor talking

The visitor tells her I don’t care
When that’s all I ever do
It feeds her lies and shatters her world
But she does not see this until all is gone

Is it not enough that I’m your daughter?
Can you not see what you’re doing?
All the lives you are hurting
All to diminish your pain
But that isn’t working; its pain that you’re creating
Our family that you're destroying

The visitor; it zaps all your pain
At least for the moment, anyway
But leaves us with sorrow
Don’t you realize it?

Don’t you know how much I need you?
Because I do
But the reality is I am losing
I’m losing to a substance; not a person
Who is the visitor.

And if I lose you to him, that means I have failed and he has won
He could take you, and our family too if you let it
If support is what you need, you have it
I’ll be there for you the entire way
Saying, “You can do it, you can beat this”
Am I scared? Yes. I’m scared I’ve already lost you
But what I am scared for most is finding you
And it will be too late
Too late for one more
“Mom, I love you. Please be there”

Sometimes I wonder if you are even there
Sometimes I wonder if you will be there…
When all seems lost, I think of the times where I had you.
Before you were taken from me.
That's what I'll cling to, that's what I'm searching for.

That's what I'll find......YOU.





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