Nightmares...

March 25, 2010
It’s amazing the cruel trick of relativity time plays upon us,
The most enjoyable moments of our lives seem to flit by unnoticed,
Whereas the darker times linger upon us,
Eternal shadows embodying our very existence,
I think upon this now, in what I know are the final few hours of my life,
I have not made a conscience decision to end my life,
No that precious choice was made for me,
When everything that holds meaning in your life is gone,
Are you really alive?

When the essence of who you are is damaged beyond repair,
Is it really you who lingers on?
In such a case,
Would suicide really be ending your life?
Or simply finishing the job?
Disposing of the worldly body left by a long departed soul?

These are the questions heavy upon my mind as I walk along the winding garden path,
Each step carefully measured,
A feeble attempt to avoid my imminent destination,
It is a need deep inside of me,
That provides the strength for each dreadful step onward,
A helpless child within me,
Yearning for this one last pleasure and pain,
To serve as a reminder that I have not lost the power to feel,
To experience the emotions which drove me mad,
One last time

I appease the child,
Not because I feel his need,
But because I also require the absoluteness of closure,
For some twisted reason,
I need my heart torn open one last time,
So I know it’s still there,
I want her to tell me I was wrong,
Blame me,
Hurt me,
Anything other than the icy disappointment,
Which has become all I know
These thoughts race through my head,
In sinister retrospect to the delayed ticking of the clock,
As I come to the place

Nestled between blooming rosebushes,
I would have never thought,
This quaint little chapel,
Could instill the fear in my heart that it did this day.
I enter the church late,
The ceremony is over,
A great sadness spreads through me as I walk forward,
Numb,
Unfeeling,
I see the people,
They all have the same universal desire,
Reason for coming,
They want to witness and believe in true love,
Sadly they will be disappointed,
There is no true love here,
Only a replacement,
A substance to fill the gaping hole,
Left when love escapes you,
I wade through the foolish crowd,
And as I round the corner, I see her

The perfect smile I knew so well,
Shone brightly upon her face,
A smile that apart from herself,
I alone could fully appreciate,
The miracle that it was,
That after all she had been through and endured,
She still could manage a smile,
Still be happy,
The man next to her,
Took it for granted,
He would never love and understand her as I do,
He would never be able to comfort her when the horrors of her past resurfaced,
Never be able to calm her fears when she felt alone,
But there he stood,
Gleaming bands of silver and diamonds now eternally bound this unholy union

I watched from a distance,
Witnessed the life,
The hand,
The happiness,
That could have been mine.
I do not try to stop the hot tears that roll down my face,
Every feeling is sacred to me in this time,
I know now I cannot bring myself to speak to her,
To reopen old wounds,
I will not be the one to ruin the happiness she has so rightly earned,
The hate I felt for the man before me,
Melted in a moment of self-realization,
I could not hold him responsible for my mistakes,
Not begrudge him the position I had abused and disregarded,
In this moment I knew my decision was sound

This choice was the only way to right the damage,
Caused by my many ineptitudes,
My niche was abandoned,
And filled by another,
I am left lost, alone,
And without a home in this life,
Stuck neither here nor there,
An akward appendage in an otherwise perfect world,
I walk away from that church,
Having received what I sought,
My peace is with me,
As I trod down the familiar garden path,
Each step erased a little piece of me,
Until I blew away into nothingness to join the autumn wind





Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback