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Broken From the Inside
Why? Why did you choose her over me?
You knew—you knew!—that we were both head-over-heels for you,
And yet you chose her, and walked away with your umbrella,
And left me stranded in the middle of a downpour, with nothing.
I know I should be happy for her, but I can’t bring myself to be.
It hurts, hurts, when I see you two walking together,
And see nothing, no concern in your eyes for me.
You have no idea how much I hurt.
I force myself to paste a smile on my face,
Despite wanting to drop everything and run to where no one is,
And cry to myself.
Instead, I grit my teeth and bear through it.
I can’t help it, the way I feel for you.
I can’t help that, when you smile,
I think, he’s going to change his mind! He’s going to choose me!
And yet, every time, I remember what you said that one day.
That night you told her—not me—that you liked me as a friend,
But nothing more.
You have no idea how much I like you, how much I hurt because of it.
But you do nothing about it.
You don’t talk to me about how sorry you are, if you are at all,
Or why you chose her.
You didn’t even tell me the day you two
Decided to be together—neither of you told me.
You put a distance between us,
But I’m still close to her,
And I tell her about my position, and when she asks how I feel,
I do my best to put it into words, though it’s impossible. No words tell this.
I’m broken. I’m empty.
You can’t tell from the outside, but I am.
I may seem bright, full of spirit,
But inside, I’ve stopped functioning, registering.
I see her in the clouds everyday,
Listen to her talk on and on about you,
And do my best to hide that I’m in a swamp, alone,
And I’m stuck in a puddle, sinking fast, no on to save me.
I look in the mirror and think, I can see why he didn’t choose me,
But my head is screaming: Snap out of it! You are pretty!
Focus on the positive, not just the negative!
It’s an internal war, my self against my being. Who’ll win? I don’t know.
For the time being, my heart’s closed off.
My body’s working overtime, acting on impulse, hiding what a mess I am inside,
But letting it all out that night, crying silently to myself at home.
Yet I still hope you two are happy, though she knows roughly what I feel.
I do my best to hide what I’m going through,
Keeping myself together every morning with a fake smile,
Not only because I know you wouldn’t understand,
But because she’s my best friend.