Sitting alone in my room. Feelings of loneliness sweep over me. Heart wrenches in pain. Eyes begin to water. I hold it all back. Eyes close, trying to forget. Some memories cannot be forgotten. Images flash in my mind. Heart wrenches again. Eyes water. Again, I hold it back. Regret. Anger. Sadness. Some would be surprised that an Ice Queen can feel this way. I ask myself, “why can’t I fall in love?” Maybe, it’s because I gave my heart away a long time ago. He hasn’t given it back. That selfish prick! A bitter smile graces my faces. It was my decision. I ended up breaking both of our hearts. The only difference is he’s moving on. I have no ill-feelings towards him and the new girl. It is just, he made me happy. Made me feel like I belonged. That I wasn’t floating around in some gray area. Why did I listen to my friends? Why couldn’t they have let me be happy? Why is money such a factor? Why am I so easily influenced, when I claim to be strong? Sappy love songs play in the background. Heart wrenches. Tears fall. I cannot stop them. Why can’t I fall in love? How is it that others fall in love with me so easily, but I am unable to do the same? How many hearts have I broken? How many will I continue to break in order to find my happiness? I lay in bed. Thoughts race in my mind. Another day has come and gone. Another guy has come and gone. Waiting. Just waiting. It is the only thing I can do.
March 2, 2010