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The Relentless Uncertainty

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I have been told that happiness
can be detected in one’s eyes;
The ‘windows to one’s soul’.
Her eyes are filled with joy;
His with sorrow.

So is it possible that my eyes are undecipherable,
as if scribed in an unknown language?
For when I gaze back at my own reflection
I see

Not happiness,
Not sadness; but
Confusion.

Am I happy?
A question of such apparent simplicity.
What is happiness?
Perhaps not so simple.

One would associate happiness with smiles, laughter…

I smile.
I laugh.

So why do I question my happiness?
Am I in fact, unhappy?
Perhaps my uncertainty implies the obvious affirmative.
Perhaps it implies that it is not my happiness
but rather my sanity that needs questioning.

How does one determine happiness, anyway?
Are smiles and laughter
the only evidence
of genuine contentment?

Smiles can be forced.
Laughter can be feigned.

Indeed, I experience happiness.
I have experienced the utmost bliss – an ecstasy
that can only be justly appreciated
when put into perspective
after enduring agonizing misery
that haunts me,
but nonetheless seems to define my very being.

So is it truly happiness I seek?
Or just an answer to cease
the relentless uncertainty?





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