lament for byron

February 3, 2010
when i'm alone
i let my mind wander
down into your clothes
my imagination running wild
even though i never saw more
than your lower arms,
your ankles,
your beautiful face
your gold-spun hair
i never saw
what i imagine
but that doesn't kill my fun

i wish i could have
told you about
how i feel
how much i dreamed
of you
how i cried after i had to leave
leave you
but i hid it
it wouldn't have looked good
not for any of us

i wish it wouldn't be
frowned on by society
not to mention the police
yeah, i know you're older
of age
and i'm just a teenager
but when i caught that one
little, kind glint in your
beautiful chocolate eye
it made my heart sing
and my soul scream
both at the same time

i wish i had run
over to you on the
last day of camp
whispered in your ear
or dropped that note that
i wrote on the second day
the note that i still keep
safe on my dresser
tucked away in my journal
with all the memories of you

i want you so badly
it hurts
my chest aches for days
and days and days
nothing i do can erase it
that's when i indulge in
temptation and go look
look at your picture again
and my nights are always
heated and breathless
is that so wrong?

i wish i was older
or that you were younger
but mostly that i could see you
hear you
talk to you
maybe even go to school
with you
becuase in my fevered little brain
i think i could have stood a chance
with you
but my lucid side kicks in
remembers diana
and how beautiful she is
not to mention older than me

i wish i wasn't so stupid
so flighty
i only ever saw you for
those few golden days
those perfect days
that i floated through
but an hour into the first day
my heart had made up its mind
as usual
without consulting my brain

i wish i had the guts
to call you
even message you online
you put your numbers on
your facebook
by your beautiful pictures
and hardly a day goes by
when i don't think of them
fondle the envelope
filled with months worth
of letters to you
letters that i will never
ever be able to send

when i see couples
shacked up places
i think of you for
no intelligible reason
cause you never gave me
a look like that
they sit there gazing deep
into each others eyes
lost in the pools of love
holding hands over the
sugar bowl with the roses
kissing in doorways
or under shared umbrellas
safe from the rain
you were my umbrella
for those five days

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