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What I Need to Hear
Hopefully when you leave here,
you won’t have to un-brake yourself.
You won’t have to turn the TV up so loud,
and you won’t have to blink your eyelashes so fast.
You’ll finally have that silence you always wanted,
that one you create most of the time,
the one that holds you together inside,
but keeps everyone else out.
You’ll finally have that.
I’m sorry for all the times I never called you beautiful.
I’m sorry that I just watched and smiled at you in that blue dress.
Now you don’t know…
and it’s unfortunate that words have become meaningless,
you understand,
you know the value of silence,
you know the bite of emotions.
I’ve watched you eat bitterness with both hands,
and I’ve heard you regurgitate it out on lost children.
What do you want from me?
I’ve kept you from everything I’ve seen,
and I think it has made you less stronger yet cold,
-a cold I tried to prepare you for by submerging you in it.
Now you’re drowning,
I can see it in your eyes,
I can hear it in your voice,
you’re dieing here,
and I’m sorry sweetie,
I’m so so sorry.
I never wanted to hurt you,
but I never wanted to let go.
They’re making me now.
I have too,
and…
for the first time,
your smile looks real,
and that hurts me,
but it’ll be ok
because…
it’s almost over.
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This article has 2 comments.
You had some nice imagery in a few places that I really wish you'd carried into the rest. Things like mentioning the TV in the third line and (my personal favorite line) "I've watched you eat bitterness with both hands." I'm so curious about the specifics of that line. Whatever they are, the phrasing itself is just beautiful. I wasn't such a fan of the line after it, but that's more a personal preference than anything wrong with it. (I'm find the word "regurgitate" to be rather ugly, both its meaning but more importantly its sound. :P) So back to my original though, I would have loved to seen more poetic lines like the "bitterness with both hands" one.
I also think there were a few places you could have put a line break to separate into different stanza. There were different thoughts, and if you had broken it up it may have been easier to read. For example, I think you could have had a split between "You'll finally have that" and "I'm sorry for all the times I never called you beautiful." (By the way, I love that line as well.)
I read your summary only after reading the poem, so here's what I got from it: Starting from "What do you want from me?" until the end, especially "a cold I tried to prepare you for by submerging you in it. / ... for the first time, / your smile looks real, / and that hurts me, / but it'll be ok..." -- I thought the poem was about a mother speaking to her child, who is being taken from her by social services or some such organization. Ah well, it was a close guess. ;)
I think for those last seven or eight lines, you can take out the commas at the ends of all the lines. They're unnecessary and it's important to keep just what's necessary. I should know... I have the most trouble with that idea. :)
You had a few spelling mistakes that I noticed, but nothing too egregious. Nothing that couldn't be fixed with a quick spell-check, perhaps.
All in all, lovely work! I'm excited to read more from you.
