Hesitations in Death

January 15, 2010
By , Peotone, IL
Everything I do is wrong
He’s always right
Or at least that’s what his fists say
I don’t need to cut myself
To take away the pain
He does that on his own
Unfortunately, it doesn’t take away the pain
Nothing does
I’ve tried everything
Beer at first
Quickly took to the harder liquor after that
But nothing would take the memories away for long
Didn’t take away the pain
All the bloody beatings
The rapes
Nothing helped
Just made everything worse
I tried to defend myself a time or two
But that only left me within millimeters of my death
What I would have given
To have him finish what he had started
That’s exactly what I wanted
My death
Dying would have fixed everything
I tried suicide
But failed miserably
The first time I cried
Tried to talk myself out of it
But there was no argument
I needed this
So down went the forty or fifty pills
Chased with half a bottle of Jack Daniels
That was my mistake
Before the pills could kick in
I was passed out cold
Threw up all the pills before they could get into my system
Of course he found me that way
Passed out on the floor
With his bottle of Jack Daniels spilled next to me
Mixing with the puke
Being found in the middle of a suicide
Nothing was worse than that instant
I was conscious in the matter of seconds after that
The pain I endured was like nothing anyone could imagine
Beat me to the end of my line
Brought me back to rape me and beat me back down
Just for trying to escape
I was his and he wasn’t planning on giving me up anytime soon
Leave him with nothing
Which only made me try harder
It was my only revenge
Take away his favorite toy and he’s left with nothing
He’ll have to find a new one
Slicing my throat was next
I had high hopes that this couldn’t go wrong
There was no way
I even laughed as I slid the knife slowly across my jugular
But it wasn’t deep enough
A few stitches and a simple voice change
That’s what I got out of that
Lurking silently by the train tracks
For just the right moment
Jumping out in front only mere yards from the train
Bracing myself
I kept my eyes open
I had already suffered the most awful pain of all
Everything would have worked out perfectly
Except for the concerned citizen
Who just happen to want to help the world
And save me from the horrid death that I wanted
Running out of traffic worked just as well
With the whole semi swerving
Crashing into three other cars instead of me
I was thrown with the explosion
Suffered broken bones
And that’s it
Well, for the whole crash thing
When I got home from the hospital
Is a whole other story
Why can’t I die?
Why am I cursed to live like this forever?
No overdose
Blood loss didn’t work
Splatters on the side of the road
No white light
Or angel holding out it’s hand
No big gleaming yet frightening golden gate
Most importantly
No happiness
No freedom
No death
My only hope is to blow my brains out
No way that can be messed up
…unless someone finds me before I pull the trigger
Crystal meth is way too slow
My numb the pain every once in a while
But I’d like to keep my mind
I need a way out
It needs to be quick
Anything to get out of this life
I know exactly what to do
Grin slowly creeping across my face
I whisper to the world
‘I know just what to do
And not only won’t you have your toy any more
You won’t have the one thing you actually care about
You will have nothing
And I will be the one who takes it away from you
You will regret everything you ever did to me
I promise you that’
Slipping the keys from the key ring in the hall
I ran my fingers over the one key
The one with the word
Written across it
Looking back over my shoulder
I have the urge to laugh and shout
Smashing the urge, I creep to the door and slip out stealthily
Thankfully his
‘Pride and Joy’
Was left in the driveway
Of course I had to push the thing to the road before starting it
Would have given me away if I hadn’t
The slip of the key in the ignition
Was the greatest feeling I had ever felt
With all the windows rolled up
I took one last look at the house and screamed at the top of my lungs
Both in anger and in elation
My first moment of pleasure
This is the only way I know for sure I can have my death
Even if I survive the crash
There is absolutely no way I’ll survive him
He’d kill me for his car
The only thing he’s ever loved or cared for
With the biggest smile on my face
I hit the accelerator with all the force in my body
I drove directly to the bridge
Feeling drunk
But drunk on life
Without hesitation
I pushed even harder
Going a hundred and forty through the railing
I was flying high
This was the greatest day
The greatest feeling I’ve had since the day I was born
The second the car hit the water
I knew I was out
I was free
Cheering for both my death and the death of this car
Now he won’t have his toy
Or his
This is my reward
For having to endure such hell over the years
The satisfaction of taking everything from him
Water up to my chin
Taking a deep breathe
Nearly a gallon down my throat already
Yet, the smile remains

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