I feel like I am in an empty endless all white room, the one you always see in movies as a person enters the after life. Only in this room you can’t imagine things to appear, you can’t think of a place to go for escaping the loneliness. I can’t tell where the white starts, and where the white ends. The room is so empty so quiet, but at the same time so full of voices screaming my name in desperation. It seems the more I focus on the nothing that surrounds me the voices fade away, but in the one instance that I stop to listen to the familiar voices they come at me like a freight train giving me no time to react no time to shield myself. All the while I am slowly coming to the realization that I have never noticed all the voices, never stopped to count or to listen to all the voices calling my name. All these voices are people trying to simply help me from this place, trying to pull me back from the world that I have all to easily slipped away to. I had once come to this world to escape from reality, I once called it my own a place where I could be me. But somewhere along the line I lost me. I had lost sight of who I was, where I was going. It was like living the night of your life only to wake up the next morning sitting in a chair in a dark room with a single blinding heat lamp above your head. I no longer felt the ease of acceptance in the world I had once owned. I felt judged in this place of nothingness as if I was a caged animal in a zoo trapped behind a bullet proof one way glass which never allows me to see who is judging me. I feel so venerable so lost so alone in this place. All I have to do is stare at the nothingness that surrounds me, never knowing where my aspirations start and where my fears take over them and end. As I start to stand up I start to feel suffocated in a room with infinite space. How is this even so, how can you be so exposed, so alone, so open and be so suffocated. I start to scream at the voices that have now stopped calling my name. I stop to listen, no one answers my call. I scream louder crying harder, was I late in answering them back. Have the voices given up on me. Have they all left me alone in this world. I start to run as fast as I can trying to go in every which way direction to see if I can hear them. I stop and fall to the ground giving up on my attempts to find the voices. I scream one last time as loud and as far as I can in hope, desperation, and loneliness. I cup my face in my hands, I slowly start to feel less suffocated, and I look up to notice the room starts to dim until it is completely black. I get to my knees and as I whisper one last ‘Please’ from my mouth that is when your hand appeared, the voice that I had herd once before now. I slowly reach out for your hand. In the moment that our fingers touched the room that was once full of life that turned to white limitless empty room that turned to blackness had sparked. The moment I touched your fingers my world was no longer lonely, empty, scary, or anything it was before this moment. It was full of everything and anything that was never there before. I no longer felt scared I felt safe, I quickly got up off my knees and took you in a full grasp, that was when my world became complete.
January 7, 2010