Every step I take I’m afraid I’m going to fall again. Every chance I take is another opportunity for me to fall hard on the pavement. You were supposed to be the one who caught me when I was about to fall, not watch me get hurt like the rest. Everyone promised me things would be different this because, because you were different, and they were right, but not in a good way. I was falling really fast and I really thought you would catch me. I could have sworn that I saw you put your arms out to catch me and as soon as I was almost there, you pulled away making me hit the pavement harder than I ever have before. For awhile I just stayed there, my body numb from the pain. I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and look you in the face. I just waited until I was sure you left before I attempted to get back up. I tried to get up quick, hoping no one would see that I was on the ground, but I just ended up making it worse. When I was finally able to get the strength I needed to stand on my own, you were nowhere in sight. At first it was hard to walk again, the pain was so strong and I had a limp that was visible for everyone to see. But now things are different. To someone that doesn’t know me, I seem perfectly fine. Only I know that I’m not because although the pain is gone, the memory and embarrassment is seared in my memory like a tattoo, and I don’t think it will ever go away.
January 11, 2010