Scattered thoughts about Lies, pain, hope, and hopefully forgiveness

January 5, 2010
I can't believed I thought things would actually change...I somehow found a way to fool myself. I should've known there was no way that you were going to change...that you were ever going to put all the lies and bull away. Everyday I wondered if things were going to get better, cause that's what YOU wanted...and secretly I wanted it too, but you were all talk and no walk. You say all this crap, but when it actually comes to do follow through you just runaway and give up. Shows how much you actually wanna fix things, whichi clearly isn't very much.
I don't understand why you are doing the things the way you are...and honestly you're making this hurt more than it needs to. I really don't think you know how much pain all your little lies and crap have caused me.
Don't know why I'm even saying that because I truly don't think you care. I think you just wanted to put on a little show just to see if I would play along. You know what....it worked. I played along with your stupid game, not knowing what kind of torture I was getting into. I didn't actually think I would ever end up falling for it....but you're so used to lies and tricks that you were a master at it by the time I came along. You made everything so believable and so real that I really had no choice but to believe you... psht how could I have been so blind and stupid. Everything you said to me was probably a lie and just part of your little game plan...whatever the heck that was.
I wish that I didn't believe all of this because I was praying all the time that when you said you wanted to make it better, that you were actually going to follow through with it because you wanted to. I waited everyday for you to do something....and nothing ever happened. One day it was just too much and I had almost completely given up, but somehow I found some sort of light in you to keep holding on for just one more day, because I honestly was not ready to let go.
I don't know what it was that I saw...but there was something that continued to help me hold on, even though somehwere deep down I was worried nothing would ever happen. Although that feeling was a part of me, I ignored it for as long as I could until something finally snapped, but it was already too late...my worst nightmare had come a reality. To know that something you had waited day in and day out for...to know it was just some big lie, it's the worst feeling in the world.
All I had ever wanted and hoped for was that you wouldn't be just like every other person.... but now I don't know what to think. I guess it's up to you to truly show what you are...be true to not only yourself, but to others and me....for once. Please.





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