Last of Sanity

October 7, 2009
By Anonymous

There is a fire in me that burns,
A desire that just won’t die,
But this flame is slowly fading,
My desires are still there,
But they’re hiding,
A façade that I cant seem to get rid of,
My mask is broken around you,
But even when I'm around you and there are others,
I cant be my full self,
A part of me is always hidden,
This fire is fading,
My desires are being broken,
My reflection isn’t my own,
It’s a ghost of what I thought I was,
Just a fragment of my whole self,
My nightmare is losing everything that means the most to me,
But im slowly losing everything,
Its like im suppose to just be in a depression for the rest of my life,
It’s not fair,
Im finally happy,
But so much is bringing me down,
Im scared,
Its like my other half is dead,
My love is still there but I have become distant,
My father is gone,
His mind is lost,
My mother is unloving,
Her heart is dead,
My heart is breaking,
He has it,
And he is doing the best to take care of it,
And he has it safe,
But it feels like im split in two,
I want to be left alone,
But I just want to spend all my time in his arms,
Its like it would just be best if I just died in his arms,
I feel safe in them,
Like time has stopped and I cant be touched,
As if he is my shield,
But right now im writing this not covered,
I have no protection from this horror,
Right now at this very moment,
I feel dead,
But at the same time I feel alive,
It’s like im attempting suicide,
But the knife has been shot out of my hand,
As if its been taken from me,
That I can never have the luxury of death,
He wont let me,
And I don’t want to leave him,
Ever, never will I,
However I feel at the same time,
Why do I have him?
How could he fall in love with me?
What did he see in this undeserving little girl?
It’s just so unfair,
Am I unfair to him?
He deserves someone who isn’t broken,
Who has a whole heart,
Who isn’t caught up in a never-ending horror story,
But I love him,
And for some reason he loves me,
But still everything is slipping through my fingers,
My everything is sand so fine,
So crumbling,
Just flying out of my hands,
My control on life is loosened,
Its just not there anymore,
But at the same time I feel like I cant cry about it,
Even all I feel like doing is bawling,
Like letting my blood cry for me,
But I cant,
My veins are dry,
I’ve been drained,
It’s not fair,
I feel dead yet so alive,
Im torn,
I can feel my depression raging forward,
Yet my desire to be happy,
My desire to let love prevail,
Is so strong,
It’s holding up a strong defense,
He is the general,
He commands my army,
He is the reason I have to fight off this darkness,
The only reason I have left,
Darkness is taking over,
Yet I have a flame that still lights my path,
That flame is him,
The love I have for him,
I am dead because of god,
Because of life,
Because of my shadows,
My past that holds me hostage,
The dark present that slits my throat,
But I am alive because of him,
The flame that I still have left,
This slightest bit of light still in me,
The fact that I can be safe at least in one moment of my life,
All I have to do is call his name,
And I am rescued,
I am protected,
But everything is still running away,
Yet at least I still have this,
My homicide is slowly retreating,
He is standing in my way,
To make sure I don’t get hurt,
I thank him so much for that,
He is the only reason why my nightmare is slowly fading,
He is my last bit of everything.

The author's comments:
this is a raw piece of me spilling out every bit of what i felt when my life was turned up side down

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