five velvet ounces and a bar of soap

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passenger asterisk with an undefined slope
peripheral glove on the nighttime lamppost
damaged tomato behind the key lime pie

write out your apologies in flavored ink
lick the envelope and send it to no one
and stop letting the world
pass you by.





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thesouth_star This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 17, 2010 at 6:01 pm
I love where you were going with the first stanza. I feel like the second stanza kind of falls apart? Separately, the two stanzas are great, but together... I just feel like they don't fit?
But I absolutely love the first stanza. The imagry is great.
 
iridescentbubbles This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Feb. 17, 2010 at 6:17 pm
Thanks for the feedback - I appreciate it! I'm open for suggestions about how to make the piece more overall coherent/consistent. Conceptually, it's about being forgotten, feeling inferior/unimportant... the first and second stanzas certainly have a different purpose. In the first, I was trying to mix vague surrealism with a certain tangibility, and to give the reader an intuitive sense of the overall message without spelling it out, particularly with the first word in each line (pa... (more »)
 
thesouth_star This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Feb. 22, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Hmm. The transition is stark, yes. I don't want to exactly recommend anything specific... maybe add a line or word of transition? You could also perhaps use repetition somehow to pull the two stanzas together. I may just be silly, though.
 
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