A longing for a familiar happiness.

November 24, 2009
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I looked around the room, thinking he had possibly left.
Why would he leave without saying goodbye? I guess it’s not a big deal.
“He’s in the back room.” Someone quickly answered. They had to have read my mind.
I walked over to the door, and slowly opened it.
Madeline had entered in after me. I supposed she thought something was wrong.
I yelled at her and told her to leave.
“Hey. What are you doing in here by yourself?”
He is probably just thinking. He does that frequently. I probably shouldn’t be in here.
“Nothing really, just thinking.”
Of course. I wonder if he wants me to leave.
We began to have a conversation.
“What’s wrong?”
How did he know something was wrong?
“You seem stressed.”
“I’m always stressed. I just found out that my ex slept with this girl.”
There was a second of silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable.
“That sucks.”
I wasn’t sure if he knew exactly what I was thinking about. It somewhat scared me.
Actually, it terrified me.
The only thing I could think about was how his lips would feel on mine.
I quickly tried to hide my emotions.
You can’t let your guard down. He is just going to hurt you.
It didn’t seem like he understood me well enough to figure out my feelings, but he did realize that something was wrong.
No one ever notices. I am usually really good at disguising myself.
We talked for awhile by ourselves.
For the first time in a long time, I felt safe.
You are going to hate yourself for this.
The more we spoke to each other, the more I wanted to tell him everything.
I wanted him to be aware of the kind of person he was dealing with.
I wanted to give him the choice to leave if he wanted to.
You should leave now before things get too serious.
I knew it was getting to that point.
But only in my mind.
I had convinced myself that I would be incredibly happy with him.
I wanted so badly to be with him.
This is when I knew it should end.

He hit a ping pong ball against the wall.
With that expression of “I have no idea what to say,” he quickly thought of a new topic.
I felt foolish.
You’d think a girl like me would learn to stay alone.
I had to.
I knew he wouldn’t understand.
“I care about you, a lot. Therefore, I have to leave.”
Oh yeah, that makes sense.
I thought about this discussion we had for the entire night.

I was so caught up in the fact that I had to stay away from him.
But I couldn’t.

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